


Two Sides of a Mirror

by Werepirechick



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: : D, Angst, Brainwashing, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family Drama, Gen, Heavy Angst, Isolation, Kidnapping, Nightmare Fuel, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Psychological Trauma, Self-Hatred, Stockholm Syndrome, and this instead happened, au where the earth wasn't destroyed, i forgot to add that raph doesn't die and neither do any of his brothers, prepare yourselves folks, that's why this happened, the major character death tag is not for them, the triceratons never found earth okay, they never went to space, whoop whoop this gets intense, yeah this is just nine kinds of fucked up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-08-19 14:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8211643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werepirechick/pseuds/Werepirechick
Summary: Oroku Saki has always seen Leonardo as a younger version of Yoshi, but until now, he's never seen the resemblance Raphael bears to him.In his eyes, Raphael is suffering from his father's influence and stifling grasp. He will save the mutant, and give him the opportunities that Saki was never given as a young man.Taken from his home, and family, Raph is trapped at the mercy of their worst enemy. And, as time goes on, he finds changes appearing in himself. Changes that terrify him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi i'm here to give you all something greviously fucked up.
> 
> Prepare yourselves for one hell of a ride, this gets dark as fuck.
> 
> Blame my friendo Ivy, for giving this story idea to me. Thanks Ivy, I needed another beyond disturbing addition to my life.

 

 

With his hat down, and his collar up, Saki looked like any other New Yorker out for the evening. And with the dimness of evening, and the shadows the street lights created, no passing individual would see his scars.

He might revel in having hundreds of drones and soldiers at his whim, but even Saki sometimes needed a break from his imbecilic employees. A walk on the streets of New York, as an anonymous person, did wonders for his stress levels; especially with the recent loss of his… of his daughter, Karai.

Under his breath, Saki sighed; the incident with the mutagen, that had never been his intention. And the mind worms, they’d been meant to bring her home to him again, bring their small family back to unity. But the turtles, those blasted turtles…

And Yoshi. It was always Yoshi, taking from Saki the things and people he wanted. Where ever Karai had run to, it wasn’t in New York, and there was no trail to follow; perhaps Saki had trained her too well in the art of hiding from one’s enemies.

A remaining spot of softness for his adopted daughter stung to think that, that he was considered her enemy now.

Saki had given Karai everything she ever could have wanted; training, position, power, a home and a loving father. But she’d thrown it all back in his face, and for what, a mutant freak of a man and his animal sons?

His ungrateful daughter, should Saki ever find her, would receive grievous punishment; of course, if she apologized for her lapse in loyalty, Saki would forgive her. But until Karai returned and did so, the Foot clan would not allow her _true_ mercy; her life only, nothing else.

Karai should count herself lucky, that her father still loved her despite her betrayals.

An ordinary citizen bumped into Saki’s shoulder, the bulkier man turning to no doubt call Saki out on not paying attention to where he was going.  A quick flash of his scars and a furious sneer fixed that, sending the paling man away at a much faster pace than before.

Saki scoffed; pathetic, New York was filled with cowards it seemed. He could have used a quick fight; his own men were too terrified to give their all against him. As they should be, but robotic opponents only gave so much thrill during a spar; sometimes, the sensation of crushing a living, breathing person was the only thing for Saki’s foul moods.

And speaking of…

On the edge of Saki’s hearing, the sound of fighting had started to reach him. It was coming from the roof tops, a few stories above the street level. All the windows of the derelict building were dark though, and either broken or boarded up. Rationally speaking, there should be no one in or on top of the condemned building.

This was however, not far from the church Saki had chosen to make his base of operations. All too likely, on top of the building he’d stopped in front of, were some of the ham-handed recruits from the newest Foot clan branches in the western hemisphere. He’d been meaning to break them in, but he’d been too busy with Karai and the war lately.

Saki clenched his fists, hearing the shouting get louder above him; perhaps he’d get that fight after all.

Darting a quick glance both ways on the only semi-busy street, Saki ducked into the shadows of the thin alleyway between the condemned building, and the struggling pawn shop beside it. He walked with light steps towards the rusted fire escape up the side of the building; and with an expert leap, Saki began his silent climb up the structure.

As he neared the top, the voices got louder and more heated; if the sources _did_ turn out to be some of his men, he’d thrash them beyond their imaginations for being so sloppy. Shameful, being loud enough to be heard by any random passerby; he’d personally see to their punishments.

Saki’s coat flapped in the cool wind, the deep brown fabric catching the draft between the buildings. As he reached the top level, Saki pressed his hat further down, peering just over the edge of the roof’s lip. A quick scan of the area, and he found the source of the fighting. But…

The four figures creating the noise weren’t his soldiers. They weren’t even human.

It was the turtles.

Immediately, Saki’s anger turned to something darker than just frustration with incompetent subordinates; these four mutants had blocked his every attempt to enact his revenge, right from the very start. He wanted each and every one of their heads on a pike, along with their so called father’s.

But, as much as he would have liked to eviscerate all four of them right that moment; Saki had left majority of his weapons in storage, only bringing a standard amount of concealed knives and shurikan along for his walk.

Tactical retreat then, because even though Saki was in civilian dress, the turtles would undoubtedly recognize not just his voice but his scars as well. He would have to save the bloody rage coiled inside him for a later date, when he could properly kill each one of the mutant brothers.

Saki turned to leave the squabbling mutants behind, when a phrase one of them used caught his attention.

“You’re always acting so self-righteous; take it down a notch already! Karai isn’t just _your_ sister you know, she’s ours too!” Raphael shouted at Leonardo, glaring at his team leader. “Just because you’re Sensei’s favorite doesn’t mean you have to kiss up to him every damn second-”

_(“Just because you are our Sensei’s favorite son, does not mean you have to kiss up to him every second -”)_

“-of the day, _Leo!_ ”

_(“-of the day, Yoshi!”)_

Saki blinked, the echoes of his youth ringing in his ears. He settled back into his hiding spot, and listened to the evolving fight.

“We need to keep looking for Karai, and I don’t _care_ if you think it’s not worth it, _I’m_ not stopping until we find her!” Leonardo spat at Raphael, tilting his head in a way that reminded Saki all too much of his former brother.

“Uh, in case you fucking forgot, she’s _crazy_ and working for the Shredder!” Raphael shot back, stepping into Leonardo’s space. “And even if Sensei’s mystical-hand-whatevers actually _worked,_ which I really fucking doubt, who’s to say she’s actually gonna want to stick around with us? All she’s ever done is stick us in the back; she’s a lost cause Leo, just admit it already!”

“I am the leader of this team, and if I say we keep looking for her-” Leonardo shoved a pointed finger against Raphael’s chest, punctuating his words. _“-then we keep looking for her._ Or are you going to blow up like you always do, and skip out on us? Because that would be just like you, always losing your temper-”

_(“-just like you, always losing your temper and causing unnescessary drama-”)_

“-for everyone else around you. Suck it up, and be mature enough to get outside of your own selfishness for _once_ in your life, Raph,” Leonardo said, condescension evident in his words.

“Oh, like _you’re_ so fucking perfect, mister holier-than-thou,” Raphael growled at his brother. “Acting like you’re so much better than us, just because-”

_(“-you think yourself so, when you are nothing-”)_

“-but a damn poser. And the only reasons you _think_ you’re better than me is because Sensei made _you_ leader -”

 _(“-because our father chose_ you _as his heir-”)_

“-and because you’ve got in your head you’re some kind of white knight, shit-head hero for trying to save a girl who doesn’t _want_ to be saved!” Raphael yelled, slapping Leonardo’s hand away.

“We aren’t stopping until we find her, there’s no room for negotiations,” Leonardo said in a low tone, glaring poisonously at Raphael.

“Well count me out, we’ve been at this all night, _all week_ , and we’ve gotten JACK out of it!” Raphael exclaimed angrily, turning and storming away from the collection of mutants. “She’s gone, and I fucking hope she’s not coming back.”

 Leonardo looked furious at his brother’s insubordination, and his tone confirmed that. “I’m the leader; you _have_ to listen to my orders-”

“Oh _fuck off;_ I don’t have to do _anything_ for you. I’m going and you can’t stop me, so shove it _oh_ _fearless leader,”_ Raphael shot over his shoulder, just as he jumped off the building’s roof and onto the next; disappearing into the maze of streets below.

Saki watched the red banded mutant go, remembering old fights with Yoshi that had gone similarly. He turned his gaze back to the remaining turtles, offhandedly interested in how they’d react now that their heaviest hitter had left.

“Wow,” Donatello commented boredly, watching Leonardo as he kicked the ground in frustration. “You two made it a whole evening with only _three_ of those fights. I’m surprised Raph didn’t lose it before the fourth hour of this.”

Michelangelo nodded along, humming agreement. “I was sure that one scuffle like, two hours ago would’a set him off. Since you know, Leo said that one thing he really hates, about the whole duty to our father thing…”

“I’m not the one who causes this to happen, it’s _Raph_ who does!” Leonardo insisted to his two brothers. “He’s always blowing things out of proportion and storming off because he doesn’t get what he wants; he can’t be a team player even when he _tries_ , and he _doesn’t_ try.”

“You aren’t exactly helping that, pulling the leader card every time you fight,” Donatello countered, crossing his arms. “You, me, we all know Raph isn’t going to respond well to that. You’re just winding him up when you do.”

“He’s supposed to listen, Sensei’s made it very clear that I’m the one who calls the shots on this team,” Leonardo replied icily, and again, his posture and tone reminded Saki very much of Yoshi at the turtle’s age. “It doesn’t matter if he thinks what we’re doing is pointless, he’s supposed to listen regardless.”

“Yeah, that’s not _quite_ what Sensei says…” Donatello started on another half-hearted reprimand of his leader, but Saki was no longer listening.

He left the fire escape as silently as he’d come, and started across the roof tops of the adjacent buildings. After hearing and then witnessing the eerily familiar fight between the mutant brothers, Saki was oddly curious about Raphael’s post-fight reactions.

Leonardo had always reminded him deeply of a younger Yoshi, but until now, Saki hadn’t seen the resemblance Raphael bore to his own teenage self.

It was an… _interesting_ thought.

Saki found the scornful second son again not long after he started looking; Raphael sitting on another roof top, surrounded by a flock of pigeons.

Saki crept around the edges of the building, remaining hidden from sight as he attempted to listen to the quiet conversation Raphael was having with the assembled birds.

“-always _Karai this_ , or _leader that_ , never takes a fucking break these days,” Raphael was grumbling to the pigeon in his hands, gently stroking the bird’s head. “An’ Sensei’s always backing him up, or _encouraging_ him to be a complete ass to us. And they’re both freaking obsessed with that snake-bitch lately, and I don’t get it. Why the hell would our father want her around, when she’s tried to kill him like, _at least_ ten times already, probably more? I mean, he’s already got us… why’s he need her anyways…”

Raphael lifted his arm, and allowed two more birds to perch on his bicep. “They’re both… they’re both always putting me down for tellin’ the truth, just because they don’t like it. Never fuckin’ listen no matter what. It’s always the same thing too; _“Raph, control your temper, restrain your emotional outbursts.”_ or _“Raph, listen to me because I’m the fuckin’ leader.”_ or _“Raph, don’t fight with your brothers.”_ or _“Raph, do as your brother says because I made_ him _the leader since he’s so perfect and mature and totally my favorite fucking SON-!”_ ”

The pigeons scattered at Raphael’s sudden shouting, their loud grey wings cutting off the mutant’s ranting. The turtle watched them dispassionately, the anger draining from his posture as the flock flew away.

Saki shifted in his position on the sill of the window he stood on; watching in case the mutant turtle noticed his presence and he needed to leave before he was identified.

However, Raphael didn’t; simply sighing, getting up from his cross legged position on the roof’s shingles, and heading the opposite direction from Saki. Saki heard the turtle mutter under his breath, _“I miss Spike.”_ as he left the roof top, and that was the end of that; the mutant disappearing down onto a different roof, and leaving Saki alone.

Saki climbed up onto the abandoned roof top, going to the side Raphael had vanished from, and watched the green form disappear into the darkness of the evening; brief flashes of the mutant getting fewer and fewer as he went further from Saki’s position.

Saki turned over in his head the fight and the words Raphael had said; the mutant ninja sounded very, very much like his younger self. Furious and restrained, mounting frustration at constantly coming second to his brother; the favorite son, the chosen son, the brother whom everyone chose over Saki.

Reaching back into his memories, Saki found other interactions he’d witnessed between Leonardo and Raphael that resembled ones he and Yoshi had had.

It seemed Saki had misjudged the worth of Raphael, perhaps letting the red banded ninja go to waste after the mind-worm attempt had been a mistake. Perhaps, there was still a use for the mutant.

Saki returned to his lair that evening, thinking and considering an idea taking form inside his mind. He ignored the scattering guards around his entrance to his living space, shutting the door on their silent-yet-loud clamor without a glance backwards.

Removing his coat and hat, Saki sat down in the arm chair before the fireplace; tapping his fingers along the arms as he thought deeper on his ideas, on the eerie resemblance he’d begun to see between Yoshi and himself, and the sons the mutant man had adopted.

He sent a message out later, having reached a point of near-conclusion.

Saki told his soldiers that they were to target the mutant known as Raphael specifically; but not to kill. Oh no.

Saki wanted them to observe the turtle; learn his fighting style more closely, his reactions to confrontations, his relationships with his brothers… and with his father.

Saki had a plan forming in his mind, but he had to be sure. Before, his plans for the red masked turtle had been heavy handed and done with brute force; this one however would be executed with careful precision, and steady planning.

Mind worms had failed Saki, both times he’d used them, but… there were other ways to mold a loyal soldier.

And, there were other ways to create a possible heir.

“Observe him, find his weaknesses, spot his tipping points; do not let anything go undocumented,” Saki told his top tiered soldiers. Not the mutant ones, those fools were his muscles; instead, he was addressing the few human ninja in his commanding forces skilled enough to compete with the robots and mutants. “Report back to me each time you engage him, give me every detail you uncover. Alert the Purple Dragons that each time Raphael shows his face, they are to summon my forces to their location. Am I understood?”

“Yes, master Shredder,” The ten assembled ninja replied, perfect sync; which was why Saki had chosen to keep them among his inner ring in the first place.

Saki dismissed them, settling back into his throne, and began tapping his fingers again.

Soon, he would know if his plan would be worthwhile. All he had to do was be patient, and learn each nuance about the mutant ninja. Then, if his tentative planning proved a possible success, Saki would lure the turtle into a trap.

Saki sat in the cool darkness of his throne hall, and waited patiently; like a spider awaiting its prey to enter its web, or a snake coiling to strike.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey Dee?” Mikey asked casually.

 _“What?”_ Donnie replied in a deeply annoyed tone. “If this is about the possibility of shooting a bee’s nest from space again, I swear to god-”

“It’s wasps, Donnie, keep it straight. But seriously though-” Mikey threw his kusarigama’s weighted end, wrapping it around a Foot bot’s neck and tugging the thing off its feet; right into Donnie’s extended naginata blade. “-I got a question about something important. Not that shooting wasps from space isn’t important, because that’s seriously sick just imagine it Donnie-”

“Get to the point already!” Donnie snapped, wrenching his staff’s blade free and turning its edge to the oncoming robots. “We’re sort of busy at the moment, _in case you haven’t noticed.”_

Mikey rolled his eyes, ducking around a four sword attack from the closest Foot bot. _‘Busy’,_ yeah right; dealing with swarms of Foot clan robots was basically normal for them, chatting between blows was totally acceptable at this point.

Though that was what he’d been trying to ask Donnie about, because-

“Don’t you think the drones are targeting Raph a lil more than usual?” Mikey asked, switching his chains back into nunchaku mode again. Two deflected blows, three Foot bots now missing their heads. Nice. “Seriously, look at ‘em, they’re all over him right now.”

They really were; while the rest of their family and friends dealt with maybe five or six per pair up, Raph was off on his own against at least a dozen. Not that he seemed upset about it.

Raph had that manic glee of his, the one he always got when the battle high _really_ hit him; Casey had it too, but his wasn’t quite what Mikey’s brother’s amounted to. Raph’s always seemed a lot more focused than Casey’s; less general chaos, more of a tunnel vision for violence.

Donnie was finally looking at the situation Mikey had pointed out, and he hummed thoughtfully. “I suppose you’re right about that. I haven’t really noticed anything different though, since-” They both watched as Raph bodily threw himself into the biggest cluster of robots, metal arms and heads flying off as he did. “-he does that anyways. Raph always _literally_ throws himself at the biggest group of opponents; it’d be hard to tell if they’re targeting him on purpose or not because of that.”

“Still, this is like, our fifth throw down with the Foot clan for no reason in _one week_ ,” Mikey exclaimed, punctuating his words with a quick grab and snap of a robot’s head. “And every time we do this, more an’ more of the bots go for Raph over the rest of us! C’mon, that’s gotta be weird to you too.”

“Well, you might have a point with the meaningless fighting parts- ack!” Donnie barely ducked a swing that would have removed his head; as he came back up from his crouch, he shot a glare at Mikey. “Can we please discuss this later, when we _aren’t_ fighting for our lives?”

Mikey stuck out his tongue at his brother, because by now Donnie should’ve been used to multitasking like this; using the fight as excuse to not talk about the _to-tal-ly_ weird thing with the Foot bots? That was just weak by their standards. “Ugh, _fine_ , but don’t forget this time! You always hide in your lab and forget I even exist because you’re so focused on your experiments an’ stuff.”

“I won’t forget, just make sure to remind me, _and no not in an annoying way_ , I know for a fact that you’ve got my megaphone still.”

“You take the fun out of everything.”

“I like my ear drums intact, being able to hear is plenty fun.”

Mikey was about to respond with another completely witty comment, but the sound of shattering glass from the sun-lights above distracted him. More Foot clan soldiers descended from the broken windows, rappelling down onto their skirmish in the wide storage facility; their multitude of arms already extended and weapons primed for the fight. As the twenty some reinforcements landed, the group disbanding to join in with the already in-progress fights, Mikey saw at least half of them head directly for Raph.

“SEE?! WEIRD!!” Mikey yelled over the sound of the increasingly frenzied fighting. “I’M NOT BEING CRAZY ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING!”

“FINE I SEE YOUR POINT BUT _STOP YELLING!”_

“YOU’RE YELLING TOO THOUGH!”

“ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE!”

“I’M DOING THIS SO YOU CAN HEAR ME!”

“I CAN HEAR JUST FINE _SO CUT IT OUT!”_

“Donnie! Mikey! _Focus!”_ Leo barked at them from across the warehouse. “Honestly you two, can’t you take this seriously for _once?”_

“ _WE ARE!”_ Mikey snapped at the same time as Donnie did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donnie did forget to talk with Mikey after that particular battle, but a near identical one happening only a few days later brought the subject back to him.

A split patrol, Donnie with Raph and Mikey with Leo; an exercise about mixing up their individual attributes. It was essentially uneventful up until the end, what with the Kraang gone, and the Purple Dragons still nursing their wounded pride from a particularly harsh beating; Casey and Raph had dished it out two weeks back, putting half that branches’ members in the hospital for sure.

The relatively peaceful outing had gotten a lot more chaotic, when an unprovoked swarm of Foot droids attacked them. The mechanical ninjas appeared at a random interval of street hopping; suddenly appearing in a pack of thirty, despite that Donnie and Raph were far outside the Shredder’s claimed territory.

Donnie went into the fight expecting the experience to be long and difficult, and likely accumulate a lot of injuries during it, but…

Majority of the robots headed straight for Raph, leaving Donnie with only three opponents. As Donnie quickly dispatched his pitiful amount of enemies, he remembered the conversation he and Mikey had forgotten to have.

The clear targeting the droids had for Raph was completely obvious to Donnie now, seeing it up close and personal. And despite the fact that Donnie started at the mob around Raph, the drones kept complete focus on Donnie’s older brother. It made it easier to catch them off guard of course, but it was disconcerting how eerily intent they were on Raph.

Raph seemed the complete opposite of disconcerted once they’d finish demolishing the robots; grinning and posturing like nothing weird had happened. And he brushed Donnie’s queries off, instead claiming they should just call it a night and head home.

“Well, if you’re sure… call Leo, tell him we’re heading back right away here,” Donnie said to Raph, crouching down as he spoke to examine the felled machines. While Raph pulled out his t-phone to call their brothers, Donnie pulled out a kunai and a couple of his favored tools from his belt. Creating a tear in the facial plating of the closest robot head, Donnie used a small pair of forceps to pry it open.

Raph bantered loudly with Leo in the background, but Donnie wasn’t listening; using his own intent focus to puzzle out the mystery the Foot drones were presenting.

“Oh… that’s not good,” Donnie mumbled under his breath.

He’d dissected the robot before; they hadn’t had this sort of technology in them back then. Now, underneath the eye sockets of the face, there were high quality camera lenses. Another layer pried back, and Donnie found something that made him frown deeper.

From the looks of it, the space that had originally been occupied by long distance tracking equipment had been greatly diminished. The removal of circuitry seemed to be specifically for the large new processor; multiple wires connecting it to the small, but powerful cameras in the robot’s eyes.

The processor was still blinking, as well as the tracker next to it.

Whoever was on the other end of the video no doubt being recorded, they could still see Donnie and his brother, and probably hear every word Donnie and Raph said.

Donnie cut out the processor, disconnecting it from its cameras and the tracking device. He needed to examine this, and as soon as possible. The strange phenomena Mikey had pointed out; it seemed to go a lot deeper than they’d thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So what was it you wanted to show us, Donnie? You said it was important,” Leo asked as they assembled around Donnie’s computer screen. It had to be important, since Donnie had called master Splinter into his lab as well.

Donnie nodded his head, already typing away on his keyboard to pull up a file. “Alright, so a couple days back, Mikey pointed out something weird going on with the Foot drones, but-”

“SHOOT! I totally forgot about that!” Mikey exclaimed loudly, smacking his forehead.

“-we both forgot. Sorry, it slipped my mind because I got busy with the engine mods I’m doing for the shell-raiser,” Donnie clicked on a file, and he pushed his chair back as the program started loading. “Anyways, I thought you guys would want to see this; especially you, Raph.”

Leo heard Raph shuffle behind him, their brother coming closer to the gathering. “And why exactly would I care about this?”

“You will, don’t worry. Or I guess, you _should_ worry, since it’s not a good thing,” Donnie replied grimly.

Leo moved to the side so master Splinter could lean closer as well, minding to not step on his father’s robes as he did. Donnie turned up the speakers of his computer, and leaned away from the desk as multiple video feeds started playing.

As each one loaded, Leo’s curiosity turned to disconcertion.

They were videos of Raph. Every single one of them.

Moments during a fight, random clips of Raph on patrol, close up shots of Raph when they all were hanging out on a roof top. Raph fighting with human gangsters. Raph sitting alone on buildings with his pigeons. Raph with Casey on their weekly outings. Raph fighting with other Foot bots. Raph with any combination of their brothers.

It was nothing but videos of Leo’s brother, interspaced over the last few weeks. Leo had been there for half of those recordings, but he’d never seen the robots following them; or even noticed one getting away after a battle.

“…okay that’s really freaky,” Raph said, watching as the short videos began to loop again. “What the hell am I looking at, Donnie?”

“As far as I can tell… the Foot clan has been watching you. Like specifically _you_ , and writing the rest of us off as a, poor pun I know, but as a foot note,” Donnie said, adding a humorless chuckle to the end. He paused the videos with a tap of his mouse, freezing the multiple images into blurs. “There’s only about ten minutes of clips on here, since the main storage would be on whatever hard drive this was connected to. I could only get so much out of it, a ton of the code was encrypted to heck and back, but I managed to salvage this footage before the fail-safes locked me out.”

“Donatello, what do you think this could mean?” Splinter asked, speaking for the first time since he’d entered the lab. Leo turned his eyes from the screen to his father, who looked grim and wary. “This looks as though… the Foot clan is studying Raphael.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure they are,” Donnie replied, rubbing at his eyes tiredly. “I was up all day reviewing the dates of the videos in comparison with some of my research logs, and most of them take place in the last month. There’s no pattern though, other than it being specifically Raph they’re targeting.”

“Why though, _why_ would they be targeting me?” Raph asked, sounding as disturbed as Leo felt. “It’s not like I’ve been doing anything different towards the Foot lately, just normal skull bashing. Why’d they single me out like that?”

“I honestly have no idea,” Donnie admitted, slumping in his desk chair. “There’re possibilities, hypotheses, but I don’t have anything concrete to go on other than this footage at the moment. Sorry.”

Leo grimaced at the still images of their brother on the computer screen; he didn’t like the sound of that, of Donnie not knowing why something was happening, and Leo himself drawing a blank as well. “Sensei, what do we do then? If the Foot are targeting Raph, that could mean his life is being threatened. Shredder’s been getting increasingly dangerous, and it’s been a while since Karai disappeared. If he’s going to attack, it’ll likely be soon.”

It’d been weeks since they’d seen Karai, since they’d had any meaningful fights with the Foot clan. None of the heavy hitters, or even sentient soldiers, had been showing up for the skirmishes. Only the drones, coming at random moments during patrol; either going down too quickly to really note, or leaving right away afterwards. Leo had thought it was just Shredder blowing off some steam at them; petty minute long revenge tactics, or maybe just an exercise of their strength after the four way trap Karai had lured them into.

“Hrm, whatever the Shredder is planning, we will have to proceed with caution,” Splinter said, stroking his beard thoughtfully. “Raphael, we will have to discuss a new set of rules for you until this problem has been solved.”

“Aw what? What kind of rules, Sensei?” Raph asked in a put upon tone.

“For starters, I do not want you to go above to the surface alone any longer. If the Foot clan is trying to single you out from your brothers, it would be a mistake to be caught alone. If you wish to continue your expeditions above ground, you will require an escort,” Splinter’s words weren’t a suggestion, they were a statement, and they left no room for negotiation.

Leo heard Raph grumble under his breath, but Raph ducked his head in a bow regardless.

“Hai, Sensei. I’ll… bring an _escort_ from now on,” Raph said the word _‘escort’_ like it tasted bad.

“That is a good start, but we will have to discuss this further. Come, there is a box of camomile tea that we may boil while we talk,” Splinter placed a hand on Raph’s shell, pushing him towards the door. “Leonardo, come along as well. I need to discuss something with you in private.”

“Ah, Hai Sensei,” Leo replied, leaving behind Donnie and his ominous screen of spy videos.

Raph was sent to the kitchen to get the tea and cups to go with, while Leo remained with their father in the empty space of their living room.

“Leonardo, I will be asking much of you in the coming days,” Splinter said quietly, so that Raph wouldn’t hear them. “I unfortunately cannot entrust his supervision to Donatello and Michelangelo, their minds are too… distractible to depend upon fully. Because of this, it will likely be you who watches your brother the most.”

Leo suppressed a grimace; spending night after night until this was solved, watching his surly and rebellious brother? Not his idea of a good evening.

Leo didn’t say that though, instead bowing his head. “I won’t let you down Sensei; I’ll make sure he doesn’t do anything too reckless until we figure this out.”

“I knew I could count on you, thank you, Leonardo,” Splinter said warmly, placing a hand on Leo’s shoulder. Leo smiled to himself, his sense of pride growing. His father trusted him to keep an eye on Raph, and to solve the suspicious focus laid on him. That was worth the trouble it would no doubt be, almost completely.

 

 

 

 

Raph listened as his father laid more praise on Leo, and his grip tightened around the kettle’s handle.

He was being targeted by a wack job, and his father was putting more restraints around him, all the while praising Leo for doing the or-so-terrible job of keeping an eye on Raph.

Raph didn’t need anyone to watch him. He was more than capable of taking care of himself. He didn’t need Leo or any of his brothers making sure he didn’t get hurt.

Whatever Shredder was plotting for him, he could bring it on. Raph wouldn’t shy away from a fight; in fact he was itching for it. Things had been way too stale in the lair lately, Leo and their father persisting with the search for Karai. Raph was pretty much sick of every patrol being a search party; Karai might be their sister, but she was also way, way too dangerous to trust. Every time she’d gotten even close to them, someone got hurt. Estranged sibling or not, Raph didn’t want her in his home. She impaired Leo’s judgement, as well as their father’s.

No one else seemed to think so, or at least they didn’t voice their opinions. Donnie just ducked his head when the topic came up, and went along with whatever order Leo called; while Mikey… Mikey just did what he always did, going with the flow of things. Sort of. He didn’t make a fuss over looking for Karai at least, just offhandedly complaining that his feet hurt and that was it.

Raph didn’t want to keep looking for her. She was gone, and hopefully, she wouldn’t be coming back.

Not that Karai mattered much at the moment. Raph had something a lot more important to focus on; like the fact that their resident Big Brother had just decided to make him a creepy film obsession.

As Raph set the kettle on the stove, turning on the heat, he considered what could’ve triggered that obsession.

The only thing that came to mind, outside of all the usual battles with the Foot, was the mind worm incident.

Raph shivered, because sometimes he could still feel the cold and painful sensation of the worm sliding into his mouth; its hundred sharp little teeth burrowing into the back of his throat, to get at his spinal cord and brain stem. That’s what Donnie had said it was doing, attaching itself to an unprotected part of his nervous system; no skull bone to block it. Brain worm was less of a literal term, more of a nickname.

He couldn’t look at leeches or worms or anything slimy and legless for a week afterwards. Still didn’t like to. It’d put him off the rare algae and worms dishes Mikey still made sometimes, choosing instead to go hungry until he could find something less wriggly.

Raph grimaced, recalling how much it’d hurt to throw up the worm once Leo had sent him into that rage fit. His tonsils and throat had been raw and inflamed, and he’d spat up some congealed blood later on. Disgusting.

That was the only serious interaction he’d had with the Shredder, one on one at least. Not the most comforting thing, since it’d involved capturing him, and putting a mind-altering insect in his brain.

That didn’t spell anything good for what the videos could mean.

Raph got out three cups from the cupboard, knowing that it’d be Leo as well as Sensei he’d be talking with. Much as he loathed that fact, he wouldn’t choose this particular moment to be petty about Leo’s position as leader. He’d save that for when they weren’t discussing something so serious.

Raph leaned back against the dining table, watching the steam start to rise from the old tea kettle. He tried to focus on the sound of the water starting to boil, and not the conversation happening just outside the kitchen doors; listening to his father praise Leo again, and basically re-enforce the favoritism there, wasn’t something he needed to hear.

Splinter had all the time in the world for his psycho long-lost daughter and favorite son, but basically none for Raph. Or Donnie and Mikey, they got even less attention than he did. If you could call it ‘attention’, since it felt like everything his father had to say to him was either a reminder to ‘control himself’, or a scolding for losing his temper again.

Raph scrubbed a hand over his face, dislodging his mask enough to rub at his eye sockets. He didn’t want to think on that stuff, it just made him more frustrated, and more likely to lose it in the wrong moment.

He tried, he really did, to keep his emotions under control; but sometimes he just couldn’t, and he paid the price for that every time. Raph would probably lose it a lot _less_ if a certain older brother would stop being so smug and condescending all the time, or a certain youngest brother would stop poking all his buttons and being incessantly annoying even when Raph told him to bug off, or a certain genius who was always…

Actually, Donnie didn’t really do much of anything. Maybe he shot a sarcastic comment occasionally and teased Raph when their brothers were already doing so, but other than that, Raph’s fellow middle brother kept things to himself. Well, at least one of his siblings didn’t drive him insane constantly.

The kettle started whistling, and Raph got out the tea bags he’d been instructed to.

He put a lock on his frustrated thoughts, saving them for later when he had his punching bag, and brought the cups out on a platter. He also pretended he didn’t notice his father cutting off whatever he’d been saying to Leo, and only sort of shoved Leo’s cup into his hands.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A ways away in the city of New York, Saki gave the order to begin the second step of his plan.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I return! Lo and behold, despite going out last night and getting fairly tipsy, I stayed up late and wrote this all for you, because you're all so patient.
> 
> Thanks for subscribing, to everyone thus far who has!

 

Saki had known it would only be so long before Donatello discovered the new additions to his robotic soldiers, and he had planned for that.

He could have kept his targeting of Raphael subtle; indistinguishable from the attacks on the other three mutant turtles. But that was not the game he was playing; not anymore. Observance and study was over.

With the footage Stockman had been ordered to leave on every single processor of the robots, the Hamato clan would begin to tighten their protection of Raphael; just as Saki wanted them to.

He’d watched Raphael through the cameras, reviewed old footage of the turtle during raids he and his brothers had waged on Saki’s base, and observed closely the familial and teamwork dynamics of the family.

He knew that if Raphael was put under even more restraints, he would undoubtedly want to break free of them. The mutant’s temper would not last dealing with both Yoshi and Leonardo bearing down on him like that, as they would without fail. Their need to control the red masked mutant was more obvious to Saki the longer he looked; Raphael’s potential suffered greatly because of that, stifled by individuals who couldn’t hope to understand him.

Eventually, as Saki knew he would, Raphael would snap under the weight of his restraints, and go running right into Saki’s trap.

But, that was not supposed to happen just yet.

No, Saki would bide his time a little longer, and continue to wind the small clan of mutants further into their paranoia.

“You summoned me, master Shredder?” Tiger Claw’s deep voice asked, resounding through the quiet darkness of Saki’s throne room.

Saki opened his eyes, and ceased his musings to focus on the task at hand. Sitting up straight, he looked down at one of his best soldiers, the mutant standing at attention already. Yes, Saki enjoyed having Tiger Claw in his service; the mutant, though Saki loathed his sort, was the most sensible and skilled in the higher ranking members of the Foot clan.

“Yes, I did summon you Tiger Claw. I have a message for you to deliver to our factories, about the drone production rate,” Saki’s thoughts flickered to Stockman’s confirmation that Donatello had taken the bait, and he smiled underneath his mask. “Tell them to double production output. We’re going to need the extra numbers in the coming weeks.”

“Of course, master. But, if I may ask, why exactly will we need those extra soldiers? Does it have to do with… the turtles?”

“Yes it does, and I will inform you as you are required. Remind the rest of our men that you and you’re fellow mutants are to make yourselves scarce still; I won’t be needing your presence for a while yet. The only ones to make themselves known to our enemies are the robots; do I make myself clear?”

“Very. I will inform the others.”

“Good. You are dismissed, Tiger Claw.”

Tiger Claw bowed, and exited as quietly as he’d entered, leaving Saki alone once again to meditate on his plan.

Soon, very soon, things would really begin to move along; Saki just had to be patient, and push where it was needed.

The Hamato clan, they were so predictable in their reactions; especially Leonardo, Raphael, and Yoshi. That would be their down fall, as it should be.

Saki grinned wider, and chuckled to himself.

Pride came before the fall, and soon, the Hamato clan would fall. And this time, it would be for good.

 

 

 

 

 

“You know? I’m gettin’ a little-” Raph kicked a Foot robot off him, catapulting it into its friends. “ _-tired_ of this shit.”

“Iunno dude, s’kinda fun!” Casey whooped, dodging a flurry of shurikan, and returning fire with a couple explosive pucks. “I mean, not a dull moment lately, am I right?”

“That’s not a good thing, Casey,” Leo cut in, literally, as he diced three drones at once. “We still don’t know why the Shredder is doing this, and even if _you_ think it’s fun, we should be cautious and-”

“Blah blah blah, _we get it_ ,” Raph said over his brother’s beginning monologue. “You’ve only been saying the exact same thing for the last _two weeks_. We heard you the first twenty times.”

Leo glared at Raph, and Raph glared right back. Leo could be pissy all he wanted, but Raph wasn’t going to listen to that speech for the umpteenth time. Leo was already spoiling Raph and Casey’s patrol time, he didn’t get to fill it with even _more_ of his presence.

A Foot bot snaked its arms around Raph from behind, kunai heading for his throat, but it was a sloppy and loose hold; Raph put his sais through the wrists, and threw it over his shoulder.

A second later, another robot took the last’s place, along with another three.

Raph spat on the ground, his cut lip stinging, and threw himself back into the fight.

Numerous cuts everywhere, small gashes and throbbing bruises, Raph got more every time he went back into the brawl. And it was a brawl; lately, the size and numbers of the Foot bot packs had forced them to fight a lot dirtier. Encounters with the Foot clan had never been pretty, but the pointless ones of late were downright ugly.

It ended with Raph, and whoever he was with at the time, standing over tens of mutilated metal corpses, and a lot of property damage. Somehow, even if Raph still had a blast kicking in the metallic skulls of his attackers, it wasn’t as satisfying at it’d used to be.

Maybe it was the looming question of what the fresh fuck the Shredder wanted with him that spoiled things.

Maybe it was Leo tagging along almost every time Raph went out that spoiled things.

Maybe it was both.

Fuck his life.

Raph put a little more force into a stab than necessary, burying the blade to its hilt. That was the last one, shorting out as Raph pulled free his sai. It joined its other deceased comrades, lying in crumpled piles throughout the alleyway.

Casey, breathless and grinning like a loon, slung an arm around Raph’s shoulders. “Dude, dude dude _dude_ -”

“Get to the point,” Raph huffed at his hyper friend.

“ _-that was the best one this week!”_ Casey exclaimed loudly, right in Raph’s ear no less. “God, whatever Shred-head wants with you, he can just keep on bringin’ it. HA, I don’t think we’ve had this much shit to punch since, like, the last time the city got _invaded._ ”

Raph smirked, elbowing Casey lightly. “You’re one hell of an adrenaline junky, Jones. You know he’s probably lookin’ to use me for some nefarious purpose, right? You don’t seem even a little concerned.”

“Pfft, why should I be? It’s not like you guys won’t come out on top, just like every other time he tried this,” Casey elbowed Raph back, and Raph chuckled as his human friend winced; Casey’s funny bone meeting Raph’s tough carapace. Casey stepped away, rubbing his elbow, but grinning knowingly. “And besides, don’t tell me you’re not having at least a _little_ fun wrecking Foot bots every night.”

“Okay, I just might be. But it’s like Leo says-” Raph cleared his throat and mockingly said, _“-We should be cautious, and wary, because the Shredder is a clever and cunning opponent that’s kicked my shell three-ways to Sunday, and I’m too much of a pussy to confront him about it.”_

“That’s not funny,” Leo said from further into the alley. He frowned deeper at them, wrinkling his snout slightly. “Or what I sound like.”

“Whatever Leo, you don’t have to be here if you don’t want to be,” Raph said, letting his full annoyance drip into his words.

Leo gave him that one look that Raph _really_ hated, the one that practically oozed condescension and older-brother vibes. “I _have_ to Raph, you know that. Sensei’s entrusted me with making sure you aren’t injured or taken by the Foot. And besides that, you aren’t allowed out on your own regardless.”

“I’m not alone though,” Raph grabbed Casey around the waist, and roughly started to noogie the human with his free hand. “I’ve got _this_ psycho with me, and we can take care of ourselves, thanks.”

_“-fuck, cut it out Raph, you fuckin’ dick-”_

Raph shoved Casey away, laughing same as his friend was. Leo’s continued stare made Raph sober though, his brother’s killjoy attitude ruining even his roughhousing. Just because Raph was maybe kind of in danger, did not mean his brother had to be such an intense downer about it.

Raph scoffed, and rolled his shoulders. “C’mon, we got another hour of patrol left before we call it quits. No use sticking around here.”

Casey cackled, actually cackled, and scrambled off to find his hockey mask; the one he’d dropped during the fight. Raph stretched out his twinging muscles, preparing for a likely third encounter with the Foot clan, and ignoring Leo’s pointed looks.

Raph wished it’d been Donnie who’d come with them; Raph’s genius brother might snipe at Casey on and off the whole time, but at least he didn’t try to dictate Raph’s every move. Mikey would’ve been more bearable too; enthusiastically up for anything Raph and Casey suggested, even if he wandered off into his own head half the time.

Just. Anyone other than Leo.

Raph _knew_ he was in an ominous situation, he didn’t need Leo reminding him that every two seconds. He got it, the Shredder wanted his shell for something or other, _quit emphasizing it._

Though Raph wouldn’t admit it to anyone, especially not Leo, having his older brother be so intense about things just made Raph even more stressed. Raph didn’t do well with stress, not unless he had a way to work it out.

Like punching metal things, as Casey had said.

“Got it!” Casey exclaimed, shoving his skull themed mask back on. “All ready to go? I still got enough in the tank for another two of those.”

Raph glanced at Leo, who was rolling his eyes, and turned his back on his brother. “Ready when you are. Wanna place bets on who can whack the most this time?”

“Dude, ‘cause you’re being targeted an’ stuff, you have _such_ an advantage. It’s like half the work’s already done for you!”

“Exactly. Care to try anyways?”

“Fuck _yeah_ I would.”

Raph grinned, and punched Casey in the shoulder. He didn’t bother dodging Casey’s returning shot, instead grabbing the outstretched arm and dragging his friend forwards. They had a lot of ground left to cover, and if Casey wanted to stick around for the full thing, they’d have to get moving. Sometimes it kinda sucked that Casey often had school the next day, while Raph could be up all night and not worry about any sort of consequence.

Raph felt more than heard his brother follow them along, Leo’s silent yet somehow oppressive presence just behind them.

Raph didn’t turn around to acknowledge Leo. If his brother wanted to stick around, he’d keep up.

Raph sort of wished he wouldn’t though, despite how dangerous that could be.

 

 

 

 

 

The attacks kept increasing, and there still wasn’t any sign of _why_.

A week ago, maybe a week and a half, Raph had actually enjoyed the extra fighting. He liked going home with aches that meant something, patching up cuts and bruises, and then getting up the next evening to do it all again. It was exciting, it was _exhilarating_ , to fight for his life and then _win_.

Maybe he wasn’t as much of an adrenaline junky as Casey, but damn if he wasn’t an addict too. Even when a lot of other things in his life got confusing, at least fighting never did.

Unfortunately, three weeks of non-stop that got tiring, even for Raph.

Every single night, without fail, a swarm or three of Foot bots would attack him and whoever was unlucky enough to be with him at the time.

He hated to admit it, but it was wearing him down. Physically _and_ mentally. Donnie hadn’t been able to get anything new from the processors, and it was driving them all a little nuts. No new info for weeks, and no motives forth coming. Donnie had taken at least twenty different individual processors and picked them apart piece by piece; but he still hadn’t found anything. Every single one of them was empty or locked, and their resident genius was practically livid with his own failure.

 

 

 

 

 

“I just- _I don’t understand!”_ Donnie yelled, banging his fists on the table. Donnie had bags under his eyes, more so than usual, and a particularly harried look to him. Raph shifted uncomfortably as his brother muttered obscenities under his breath, tossing a burned out processor into the already filled trash can. “I’ve tried every angle I can think of, and _nothing_. It locks me out or- or _worse_ , its flipping _empty_ , and I’ve ended up spending up to an hour plus decoding something completely and utterly _worthless_. Where is my coffee? I need my coffee.”

“Are you _sure_ you’re not finding anything?” Raph asked, edging around his brother as Donnie lunged for the mug beside Raph. “I mean, you could’ve missed something, how closely have you been looking exactly-?”

_“I_. have been looking _everywhere._ on those stupid little things,” Donnie hissed angrily, shooting a bloodshot glare at Raph. He slammed his mug down, and turned back to viciously typing away on his computer. “Do you know how to do my job? _No_. Do you have any idea how to hack an incredibly complex piece of technology? _No._ Do you have any right to _question me right now?”_

When Raph didn’t answer, Donnie turned his head and finished the sentence anyways. “The answer? Yeah, it’s _no._ So please, I know you’re stressing out about this Raph, but don’t come in here and tell me to work harder. Because let me tell you, I’m a little sick of hearing that.”

“…I was just trying to encourage you,” Raph bit out, his own temper rising to meet his brother’s. “Don’t bite my fucking head off because _you’re_ stressed out. I just wanted to know if you’d found anything new _, alright?”_

Donnie blinked at Raph, then sighed deeply and sagged into his chair. “Sorry, sorry. I’m just- I’m so _frustrated_ right now. Whatever Stockman’s done to these, I haven’t been able to figure it out, and I’m about ready to set them all on fire for it. I haven’t slept, and I can’t remember when I last ate. But… I’m not going to stop working on them until I figure it out, okay Raph? And I promise, the second I’ve got new information, I’ll come find you first. Alright?”

Raph glanced at the various dissected machines, at the multiple empty mugs littering the desk top, and squashed his own frustrations back down. “Yeah. Yeah alright.”

He turned to leave Donnie alone, give him space to work again, but Raph paused as a thought occurred to him. “You’ll tell me before even Leo?”

Donnie’s dry and tired chuckled travelled over Raph’s nerves, and somehow soothed them slightly. “Yeah, I’ll tell you even before Leo.”

Raph nodded, managing a smirk over their shared humor, and left his brother alone.

 

 

 

 

 

Raph tried to be patient with his brother, giving Donnie ample peace and quiet; but honestly, the suspense was really starting to get to him.

As much as he lived for the thrill of the fight, he also wanted the chance to just hang out; shoot the breeze with Casey, dick around on his skateboard, maybe just chill with his pigeons. But with anywhere from forty to nearly eighty robotic ninjas hunting him down each night, he hadn’t had a chance to do any of those things in a long while.

Plus, it was hard to find even a moment alone anymore; Leo, or Donnie, or even Mikey hovering around Raph whenever he so much as set foot outside the lair. The latter two were mostly tolerable, but with Leo, it was getting to the point where Raph couldn’t even stand being near the guy.

 

 

 

 

 

“We’re heading out!” Raph called over his shoulder, Mikey’s own hollered goodbyes echoing his. The two of them were all geared up, and Mikey had already dosed himself on a can of Redbull; with Mikey hyper as anything, and Raph in need of a serious outlet, they were set for at least five hours. Except-

“Ah, wait up you guys! I’m coming with you!” Leo exclaimed, suddenly appearing from the dojo in full patrol outfitting.

Raph grit his teeth, took an oath to give him strength to not clock his brother. He stopped at the top of the stairs, crossing his arms at Leo. “Okay. Exactly why are you trying to butt in on this right now?”

“Uh, obviously speaking, because you’re still under watch right now?” Leo said, the inaudible _‘duh’_ ringing loud and clear.

“Well that’s why I’m here, to keep an eye or two on him!” Mikey countered, bouncing in place and making his nunchakus rattle. “C’mon c’mon c’mon Raphie, I gotta burn through this energy somethin’ fierce and chatting here all night isn’t helping! _C’mon c’mon c’mon-_ ”

“Repeating that over and over isn’t gonna make us move any faster, dumbass,” Raph said, elbowing Mikey’s jittering side. “Just. Hang tight until we get rid of Leo, ‘kay?”

“You aren’t getting rid of me Raph; you need me to come with you. Who knows what might happen if I don’t,” Leo said coolly, crossing his own arms and staring Raph down. “The attacks keep getting worse, and it’s too dangerous for you to go out alone.”

“Um, _hello,_ right here??” Mikey exclaimed, shooting an offended look at Leo. “He’s got _me_ , and that’s not ‘alone’ in any sense of the word. Right Don?”

“Hm, that _is_ the opposite of ‘alone’, yes,” Donnie replied vaguely from the couch, surrounded by notebooks and crumpled papers.

Mikey pointed at Donnie, then Raph, then himself. “See? We’re all good Leo, no need to tag along. You can chill out tonight, I got it covered.”

Leo raised an eye ridge at Raph, clearly questioning if Raph agreed with Mikey or not.

Raph opened his mouth to say that yes, Mikey was enough; because Raph could keep them both safe, and he trusted his brother not to be idiot enough to get them both injured-

But their father’s voice interrupted him.

“Raphael, Michelangelo, you will take Leonardo with you. It has indeed become too perilous to travel in just teams of two,” Splinter’s deep voice said, echoing easily from the other side of the lair. Raph’s stare flickered to his father, who was standing just outside the dojo. Splinter didn’t look like he was open to debate about the subject, the severe look on his face conveying exactly how much negotiation was allowed.

None.

“ _Raphael,”_ Splinter said, probably seeing whatever expression Raph was making.

Raph smoothed his obvious anger, and buried it for later; when he had things he was allowed to punch. “ _Fine._ We’re going now. Be back later.”

Leo smiled, in a way that couldn’t be taken as anything other than smug, and walked past Raph. Mikey darted a glance at Raph, and at Donnie, who’d been watching the whole procession with a mildly concerned frown. Raph didn’t have anything to say, other than a gruff _“Get moving.”_ , and it didn’t seem like Donnie had much to offer either. So Mikey shrugged at them both, and followed Leo out the turnstiles.

Raph turned his shell to his conflict avoidant brother, plus their father, and marched out into the tunnels. At least he’d have something close to relief, even if Leo and their father were determined to ruin even patrolling these days.

 

 

 

 

 

So after three weeks of constant, aggravating companionship with his brothers, Raph was about ready to go find the Shredder and just end it all.

At least if he was putting a fist against the guy’s nose, Raph would have some control of the situation. As it stood, he had no say in what happened to him.

Raph didn’t like it when he wasn’t the one in control of his life.

He disliked it even more when there wasn’t even a clear _reason_ as to why he wasn’t in control of his life.

Couldn’t the psycho utensil at least be straight forward about things? All the shadowy conspiracy shit was creepy and annoying. If Shredder wanted Raph, then he should come and fucking find him himself. Hiding behind cameras and drones was just pussy-footing shit, and reeked of cowardice.

Raph resented the Shredder even more for that, because the man had deemed _Leo_ worthwhile enough to confront personally, but apparently, _Raph_ _wasn’t_.

Even with the creepy stalking, Shredder hadn’t come and faced Raph himself, despite having done that to Leo without any warning at all.

Not a good thing, for that to happen, but it was getting harder and harder for Raph to remind himself of that.

 

 

 

 

 

Raph, and his prayers for serious interaction, were answered not many days later. He probably should have prayed less.

Raph twisted in his chains, already feeling a bit sick from hanging upside down. His temple throbbed, the swelling cuts there starting to drip faster as the blood rushed to his head. His knee cap, from where Fishface had nailed him, ached fiercely, and the restraining steel made it hurt worse.

Didn’t stop him from cussing out his captors though.

_“-fucking cowards-! LEMME DOWN SO I CAN GIVE YOU WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!”_ Raph yelled, thrashing back and forth in his binds. “Sneaking up on me when I ain’t lookin’, BUNCH OF GOD DAMN PUSSY’S TOO SCARED TO FACE ME HEAD ON, HUH?! _Just you fuckin’ wait-_ I’LL SHOW YOU WHAT A BIG MISTAKE YOU’RE MAKING, _YOU FUCK FACE SONS OF BITCHES-!”_

Raph’s head snapped to the side, cutting off his cursing, as Fishface’s metallic heel connected with his temple again.

“It would be foolish of you, Raphael-” Fishface said in a low, dangerous tone. “-to continue speaking _ill_ of my mother.”

Raph ignored his double vision, and spat a gob of spittle and blood at the fish mutant. “Your… your mother was a _barracuda_.”

Fishface hissed, and started to wind up another kick.

_“Xever,”_ Tigerclaw boomed, striding between Raph and Fishface. “Do not allow the prisoner to antagonize you with his childish insults. Master Shredder wants him alive, and that means you are not allowed to crush his skull.”

“Tch, not even a little? A shame,” Fishface drawled venomously, circling away from Raph and his commanding officer. “I’ll have my way with him though, once master Shredder is through with him, yes?”

“That is up to the master, not me,” Tigerclaw growled, ignoring Fishface’s baleful glare. “Go; see if Zeck and Steranko have finished bringing the van around back. We need to leave this safe house before his brothers show their faces; it has already been long enough that Donatello will have pinpointed his location.”

Fishface shot Raph one last glare, to which Raph sneered at, before stalking off towards the back of the warehouse. Raph watched the fish mutant leave, keeping his sneer in place even as Fishface disappeared behind the crates. That left him alone with Tigerclaw, the huge tiger man standing impassively near Raph.

Raph swiveled his head, shifting his glare to the other mutant. Even though Tigerclaw wasn’t looking at him, Raph could see the cat man’s ears aimed towards him. He hissed out slowly, “You better not’ve hurt my friend, or my brother, you hear me? If you did, I’ll make sure you hurt twice as bad.”

“I highly doubt that, seeing as you could not defend yourself for more than a minute against me this evening,” Tigerclaw replied tonelessly.

Raph sneered again, swaying himself in the air with bridled rage. “That’s ‘cause you cowards snuck up on me, and took me out in an out numbered sneak attack. Couldn’t even face one ninja head on? For fucking shame.”

“It is called strategy, something you seem to know nothing of,” Tigerclaw slid his single eye over to Raph; the pinprick pupil honing in on Raph’s dilated ones. “A true ninja uses any advantage he can, and if ganging up on you in a sneak attack is our advantage, then so be it. It is your own fault for becoming separated from your team; perhaps, this would not have happened if you’d stayed with them.”

Raph’s sneer froze, and it switched to a scowl.

He hated it when the bad guys were right.

“Fuck off.”

“Hm, such a witty comeback. You wound me Raphael.”

_“Fuck. Off.”_ Raph hissed.

Tigerclaw reached out, chuckling as he did, and grabbed Raph roughly by the back of his skull. Raph’s breathing stuttered as the huge mutant’s teeth came into view, flickers of Tigerclaw’s hot breath ghosting his scales.

Tigerclaw grinned, maybe sensing Raph’s discomfort. “You will not be so disrespectful to me once this is over, Raphael. The Foot does not tolerate insubordination.”

“You gonna let me in on what exactly it is you want me for?” Raph managed to ask, pushing himself to find his usual gruffness.

Raph didn’t like the shift in Tigerclaw’s smile.

“You’ll find out soon enough. Though I suppose… I am allowed to give you at least a hint,” Tigerclaw said, leaning closer to Raph’s stinging face. “The Shredder has had his eye on you, Raphael, and he has made plans for your arrival into our ranks.”

“What sort of plans?” Raph asked cautiously; feeling painfully aware that he had no control over what happened next. “Because I can promise you, I ain’t rollin’ over for whatever fucked up scheme he’s got set for me.”

“You’ll have a very different opinion of that, once he’s through with you.”

“What do you mean by that-?”

Raph cut himself off in surprise, as a large dart suddenly appeared and lodged itself in Tigerclaw neck. The mutant cat didn’t even blink, keeping eye contact with Raph instead. Until Tigerclaw’s eyelids shuttered closed, Raph stared in creeping trepidation at the other mutant’s irises.

Then, Donnie appeared, just as Tigerclaw slumped to the floor. Donnie tucked away his dart gun, and set to picking the locks on Raph’s chains. “You alright Raph? You’re bleeding pretty badly from that cut there.”

“I’m _fine_ , but you just interrupted me getting’ info outta that fucker,” Raph grumbled, despite his deep relief, as Donnie helped ease him onto the ground. Raph let his brother steady him, blood swirling and causing sparks across his vision. “Fuck. Fishface really did a number on my brain, _augh_ , that’s gonna sting like a bitch tomorrow.”

“Come on, I’ll patch you up once we’re out of here,” Donnie said, dragging Raph away from Tigerclaw’s prone form. “Can you climb at least? Leo and April are making a diversion out back, so if we can get to a few streets over, I can drive us out of here in the Party Wagon.”

“ _Mm_ , yeah, yeah I can climb. Just- just get me up to the fire escape,” Raph swiped a hand over his left eye, clearing the blood there. “Is Mikey and Casey alright? I- they got me when I wasn’t with them, I didn’t see what happened.”

“They’re fine. A little roughed up, but nothing a good night’s rest can’t fix,” Donnie said calmly, but not coldly, which meant the human and their brother were fine. Donnie only ever got cold and clinical when something was seriously wrong.

Raph nodded vaguely, letting his brother lead him out the side door of the warehouse. Raph didn’t look back at Tigerclaw, but the mutant’s words remained with him.

 

 

 

 

 

It’d come out of nowhere, the full scale attack from not only robots, but from all of Shredder’s heavy hitters too. The top tier ones; Tigerclaw, Fishface, Rahzar, and so on.

Raph hadn’t stood a chance, not with fifty plus opponents ganging up on him all at once.

He’d only left Casey and Mikey for five minutes, _five fricking minutes_ , to just catch his breath. He loved his brother, and Casey was his best friend, but he needed _quiet_ and space to actually _breathe_.

A huge mistake on his part, since it apparently gave the Foot clan the chance they’d been looking for.

But how, how had they known so quickly to come and find him? Raph had only gone a block off, just to sit and ease off his post battle high, and then they’d been everywhere.

Obviously, they’d either been planning the ambush and tracking his routes; or using the cameras in the Foot bots he’d trashed minutes earlier, they’d read him well enough to tell he was going to go off on his own.

Neither answer was comforting.

Worse yet, Raph felt like an idiot for disobeying the rules set in place to him safe, and getting caught the minute he did.

His father was really going to let him have it over this stunt.

 

 

 

 

 

When Raph’s father stopped him, just as Raph was coming out from the infirmary, he knew immediately why his father had come to find him.

Steeling himself, Raph mutely followed his father into the dojo. When they entered, Splinter didn’t invite Raph to sit down, nor did he sit down himself. They stood there instead, neither breaking the heavy silence.

Splinter, when they’d returned to the lair, had been waiting right next to the entrance. He’d gathered each of Raph and his brothers in a hug, and told them he was thankful they were all alive.

However, that fatherly concern and affection wasn’t present any longer.

“Raphael, you disappoint me, my son,” Splinter said quietly, staring down at Raph.

Raph avoided his father’s gaze, choosing to stare at his own feet instead. If the pause following that statement meant Raph was supposed to respond, his father wouldn’t get what he was looking for.

Splinter sighed, and his tail snaked softly around his feet. “You knew not to off on your own, you knew the consequences that would follow if you did, and yet… Raphael, you placed your brother and friend in grave danger, as well as yourself, and all for what? A moment alone, when you could have waited until you returned home to do so?”

“It’s not the same here,” Raph muttered, cheeks burning despite his cool blood.

“That does not matter! What you did was selfish and juvenile, and if not for Leonardo and Donatello, it is likely the Shredder would have gotten what he wanted! What do you have to say for yourself?” Splinter asked, the tips of his tail twitching with anger. Raph kept his focus on that, rather than the thunderous expression he knew his father would be wearing. “Well? Or do you choose to stay silent because you feel blameless.”

“I _don’t,_ ” Raph bit out, unable to keep his words inside any longer. “I don’t feel like I’m blameless, but how the hell was I supposed to know the Foot would attack right then?! We’d just finished trashing like thirty of them, and there’s always a pause between their swarms, so I thought-”

“You thought _wrong_.”

Raph flinched at the anger in his father’s voice.

“Look at me, Raphael.”

Raph, against his will, looked up at his father and master.

Splinter was frowning, and his eyes were narrowed. “You’ve placed not only yourself, but your family as well, in mortal danger tonight. Had Michelangelo not called us right after, your rescue might have come too late. You are very lucky to be alive, despite your poor choices this evening. Do you feel sorry, as well as grateful?”

Raph stayed silent.

“That was not a rhetorical question, Raphael.”

“Yes. I’m sorry, and I’m grateful.” Raph said, just barely keeping his anger out of his words. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“I should think not. However, that does not matter. Not when you, Michelangelo, and Casey have sustained injuries this evening, and you yourself were almost taken by our enemies,” Splinter paused, and then sighed; a level of his anger leaving his expression. “Raphael, I am angry with you, but only because I fear for your life. I am worried you do not treat this with the gravity you should.”

“I _do_ , Sensei,” Raph said, trying to not sound petulant as he did. “I’m not kidding around; I know what’s at stake here.”

“You should, it is you very _life_ that is in peril. That much is even clearer after the events of tonight,” Splinter stroked his beard, running his claws through the fine hairs there. “This is why, from here on out… I am putting you under house arrest.”

Raph’s jaw dropped open, and he felt his whole thought process stutter. “You- what? You’re _what?”_

“It is for your own good. The target being painted on your back, it is too dangerous to have you above ground any longer; not with our enemies so determined to take you.”

“I- _no!”_ Raph exclaimed, stepping back from his father. “No, you can’t take that away! I only get six hours a night now, you can’t take that too!”

_“This is not negotiable!”_ Splinter thundered, shutting down the rest of Raph’s refusals. Splinter stood at his full height, much taller than Raph, and loomed over him. “You will remain below the surface, and close to the lair at all times. Until we find out the source of interest in you, you will stay where we can protect you. As you have demonstrated, you cannot be trusted to follow the guidelines set for your safety. In short, my son, you are _grounded_ until further notice. No topside visits, period. Am I understood?”

Raph clenched his fists, and bit hard on his tongue.

“ _Am I understood?”_ Splinter said again.

“ _Yes.”_ Raph hissed between his teeth. “I understand, Sensei.”

“Good. You are dismissed,” Splinter said, turning away from Raph and walking deeper into the dojo. “Go apologize to your brother, last I saw, he was with Donatello in the infirmary.”

Raph stayed where he was, glaring at his father’s back. Splinter paused, only a few paces gone, and turned his head to eye Raph. “Leave me Raphael; I have much to meditate on. In two hours, I want you to seek me out again. We have new rules to discuss, seeing as you cannot obey the ones we set previously.”

“…okay,” Raph managed, turning away from his father and storming out. He didn’t slam the sliding door behind him, but it was a close thing.

 

 

 

 

 

Mikey winced, hearing Raph’s loud cursing as he went at the punching dummy.

Yikes. Guess he should stay in the lab a little longer.

“Heeeeeey Dee?” Mikey said slowly, inching the lab doors shut again.

“He’s losing it?” Donnie asked dryly from behind him.

“Mm, just a little.”

“You can stay.”

“Thanks Donnie.”

Mikey did _not_ want to get caught up in Raph’s totally-justified rage fit, not when he’d helped contribute to it.

He took his eyes off Raph for two seconds, _two seconds measly second,_ to play with some kitties he’d found in the alley they’d been fighting in; and then poof! There went his brother. And just when Mikey had convinced Leo he was trust worthy to be with Raph alone.

As his older brother would say, and was saying, _Fuck._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to really get stormy here, isn't it exciting? (°∀°)
> 
> Next chapter, gosh oh gosh, can't wait for things to come to a header! Stick around for that, it should pop up not to long from now!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No comment beyond an apology for leaving you all hanging for so long. I've been struggling with this chapter for a while, and I'm hoping it came out as a cohesive and enjoyable piece of writing.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought of it in the comments afterwards.

 

 

A week into his house arrest, and Raph already felt like he was going to explode.

After tasting what freedom felt like- running across rooftops all on his own, space from his family’s constant presence, being someone other than just the rebellious middle child- Raph couldn’t be satisfied with just staying home.

The lair, for all its arching ceilings and wide hallways, felt small and confining. Even with the television and games and his punching bag, Raph was bored out of his skull.

He really hated being bored, since it not only gave his less than appealing thoughts room to grow, but it also left him with an even worse temper.

It’d only been a week, but the same time, it’d been a whole damn week, and they- no, his _brothers_ hadn’t found anything new about the Foot’s motivations. Raph never thought he’d be jealous of his siblings getting to go on stakeouts and recon missions, but heck, he sure as hell was now.

As he was quickly figuring out, Raph would’ve rather he had to go on a hundred stakeouts than spend days trapped in his own home.

Donnie kept him informed on what was happening, and Mikey would come and chatter for at least a half hour after each patrol just to be completely sure Raph was in the know- but it just wasn’t the same. There was a definite difference between doing something yourself, and getting the second hand play-by-play.

Raph tried to distract himself by increasing his workout hours, seeing as he wasn’t getting the long patrols he usually did anymore. It only worked to a degree, since his thoughts kept wandering despite his intent to stop them.

Even while he was beating the literal stuffing out of his punching dummy, Raph’s thoughts would keep going back to what Tigerclaw had said.

_“The Shredder has had his eye on you, Raphael, and he has made plans for your arrival into our ranks.”_

What in god’s name did that mean? Besides the obvious. There was no way Raph would ever willingly join the Foot clan, not in a million years.

_“You’ll have a very different opinion of that, once he’s through with you.”_

The latter thought was the one that disturbed him the most.

Mind worms. It had to be mind worms. Shredder was going to try and shove another one down his throat, and then it’d be a repeat of the first time it happened. No control of his actions, the inability to think clearly, and then him being pitted against his family and friends-

But _why_ though, they’d already proved the slimy things didn’t work on Raph. In fact, as far as any of them could tell, even if the worms Stockman had cooked up recently for Karai were different- Splinter could just healing-hand them out of Raph. Problem solved in two ways; rage fit, or mystical healing.

The mind worms were ineffective. They didn’t work for extended periods of time or fighting, not with the interference that you could throw at them.

So if it wasn’t mind worms… then why did Shredder think he could get Raph to join him?

Raph put his sais through the throat of his punching dummy, trying to figure that one out.

He didn’t have any answers to that question, and neither did his family.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So you seriously can’t go out still? Even though it’s been so quiet?”

Raph ducked around Casey’s hockey stick, dodging the oncoming swing without much effort. “Nope. Not even for a short jog.”

“ _Damn,”_ Casey whistled, spinning his stick around to take another whack at Raph. “You gotta be goin’ crazy man, I know _I_ would.”

Raph grabbed Casey’s swing midway, and pulled his friend close enough to lightly punch his gut. He chuckled at Casey’s exaggerated _“Oof!”_ , and then shoved Casey away again, sliding his sais back out of their holsters. “It’s been a pain, but I’m coping. Helps that your dumb ass shows up now and again, even if I kick it every time.”

“Dude, I have it on good authority, that you have never beat me. It’s me, Casey jones, who’s always the victor,” Casey grinned, pointing his favorite weapon at Raph again. “If you think otherwise, then I think I mighta knocked you ‘round one too many times.”

“You _wish_ ,” Raph said, smirking at his friend.

Casey laughed, and came at Raph again with a brutal slash downwards.

They’d been sparring for a solid ten minutes, Casey’s blunt force weaponry pitted against Raph’s steel blades. The variance from his usual sparring partners, his brothers, gave Raph something like a breath of fresh air.

He phrased it differently out loud, but in truth, Raph was really grateful his human friend came around so often. Stuck underground with only his family for company, it was driving Raph up the wall just as much as the confinement was. Another side effect of the last year plus of above ground freedom; spending time with someone other than his brothers, it’d become a norm for Raph. He couldn’t be happy with just his family anymore; he needed time with someone who wasn’t related to him in some way.

Thank god for hockey nut vigilantes who loved fighting just as much as Raph, if not more.

“Okay- whoa, okay, I think we’re done,” Casey panted, stepping back from the fight and swiping a hand across his forehead. “Can’t use up all my energy here bro, I still got patrol to do.”

Raph’s good mood evaporated, and his grin slid into a frown. Right. Casey couldn’t stay long.

It seemed like everyone except him got to go above ground these days, never mind that Casey actually lived there.

“You sure you can’t stick around? We could put on a movie or something,” Raph suggested, half hopeful his friend would change his mind. “It doesn’t have to be sparring, I’m down for anything.”

“Sorry Raph, but I can’t,” Casey said, bending down to pick up his discarded patrol gear and start strapping it back on. “You know I gotta keep an eye on my neighborhood, catch all the low tier scumbags. You guys got your hands full with the Foot righ’ now, so I’m the only one around to stomp the Purple Dragons.”

Raph reluctantly slid his weapons away, crossing his arms and grumbling. “It’s just one night; I doubt anything big would happen if you took an evening off.”

Casey turned his head and gave Raph a Look. “It’s my thing Raph, my _thing_. I can’t just. _not_ do it. My community needs Casey Jones on patrol, and I’m not gonna let ‘em down. ‘sides, you know that’s why I turned vigilante in the first place; protectin’ my people s’what I do. You an’ your bros, you understand that, right?”

Raph glanced away, and didn’t answer.

Yeah. He understood. Didn’t mean he liked it.

Casey slung his last bit of gear into place, the extra sports equipment knocking against one another as he turned around. “Well, I’m off. Crime waits for no man, not even Casey Jones.” He patted Raph’s shoulder as he passed, heading for the lair exit and turnstiles. “I’ll see you ‘round later, alright? I’m sure this whole mess’ll get sorted out soon.”

“I really fuckin’ hope so,” Raph said, unintentionally letting venom into his voice.

Casey stopped at the top of the stairs, and looked back at Raph. Raph avoided the vaguely concerned gaze his friend was giving him.

“Chill Raph, your bros got this,” Casey said, apparently unaffected by Raph’s mood. “Just you wait, in no time you’ll be out bustin’ skulls like this never happened. Just gotta be patient and shit.”

“And what do you know ‘bout patience?” Raph asked, a hint of humor returning.

Casey grinned sardonically, shrugging. “Plenty, an’ you can’t say otherwise.”

Raph scoffed, his bad mood easing just a smidge. “Whatever asshole, just get out of here already. Kick in someone’s teeth for me, won’t you?”

“You know it,” Casey said, giving a lazy salute. “See you tomorrow night, same time?”

“Yeah, that works. Bye Casey.”

“Later Raph.”

And then Casey was gone, leaving Raph alone in his oddly silent home.

Soon as his friend disappeared, Raph’s mood soured again. He glanced at the empty exit one last time, and then went to find something to occupy himself with. His brothers wouldn’t be home another few hours, and his Sensei was locked in his room again.

Raph sighed, the sound echoing loudly in the vastness of the lair.

A week and a half down, and who knew how much longer to go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Raph watched as his brothers geared up for patrol, sliding their weapons into place and putting extra wrappings around their knuckles. While he leaned against the doorframe of the dojo, his brothers suited up with weapons from the family armory.

Mikey was talking with Donnie, for once at a quiet level, and Leo was studiously focused on his own gear. Raph fidgeted his hands, restless that he wasn’t also getting ready for an evening out.

He was trying really hard not to resent his brothers for their freedom.

It was getting more difficult to not with each passing evening.

The thing that _really_ irked him though, was that it didn’t feel like he actually needed to stay behind anymore.

“You can stop glaring whenever you want, Raph,” Leo said, adjusting his sword straps.

Raph scoffed, and turned his head away from Leo. “There hasn’t been even a hint of Foot activity in two weeks, and you guys _still_ won’t let me on patrol? C’mon, at least if you had me with you, it might make somethin’ actually _happen_.”

“You know what Sensei said,” Leo replied, sliding the last of his throwing knives into his belt. He turned and looked at Raph, though Raph wouldn’t meet his eyes. “He set rules that until we figure this out, you stay here no matter what. The disappearance of the Foot is basically confirmation anyways; the only person they want is you, Raph. The rest of us don’t matter. Which is why-” Leo splayed his hands, and shrugged at their surroundings. “-you’re staying here. We’ll be back in a few hours; you’ll get an update on anything we find.”

“We’re doing the best we can, Raph,” Donnie spoke up, drawing Raph’s attention. His taller brother gave him an apologetic look. “We’re looking everywhere, and keeping the communication lines open with our allies. If something changes, we’ll know right away. I know it’s been a long two weeks, but we’re trying our hardest.”

“Then try _harder_ ,” Raph muttered, because he was sick of seeing his brothers leave without him, going above ground when he _couldn’t_ and they _could_ and it wasn’t fucking _fair._

Donnie’s apologetic look vanished, his expression closing off and becoming blank. “No. Of course. We’ll just try harder, what was I thinking.”

Mikey glanced between Raph and Donnie, raising his hands. “Dee, wait-”

“Its fine, Mikey,” Donnie said tonelessly. He ignored Mikey’s out stretched hands, and walked towards the door. He didn’t glance at Raph as he passed. “I’ll be waiting outside. Don’t take too long.”

Raph watched Donnie leave, narrowing his eyes. “What’s his deal?”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s you being an unpleasant person to him?” Leo said sarcastically as he also walked past Raph. “Don’t just tell us to try harder; we’re working as fast as we can, and _your_ bad attitude isn’t helping.”

“Fuck off, Leo,” Raph hissed, glaring at his brother’s back.

“That definitely inclines me to work harder,” Leo replied, again sarcastically. “Find a better attitude, and maybe it’ll motivate us to work faster.”

Raph glared furiously at his brother’s shell, only just restraining the rest of his words.

Fuck Leo, and fuck his sarcasm.

Mikey’s _look_ as he passed by didn’t help Raph’s temper either.

 _“What?”_ Raph ground out, turning his furious glare onto Mikey.

Mikey held up his hands defensively, looking away. “Didn’t say nothin’ bro.”

“Yeah, but you _wanna_.”

Mikey pursed his lips; then huffed, and put his hands on his hips. “Just ‘cause you’re feeling cramped and grumpy doesn’t mean you gotta take it out on us. We really are workin’ hard as we can to figure this out. Or, well, Donnie defs is…”

Raph raised an eye ridge. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Weeeeeeell…” Mikey shrugged, looking like he didn’t want to be having this conversation. “Leo… kinda sorta might’ve been lookingforKaraionthesidewhilewepatrol.”

Raph blinked, and it took a full beat for him to figure out what Mikey had said. Then, “He’s been _what?”_

“Sorry!” Mikey said, wincing away from Raph’s renewed anger. “We tell ‘im to focus, an’ he says he is, but he’s not giving a hundred percent of his focus to this when he’s thinkin’ about her, and I know Karai is super important to him but she’s been gone so long and you’re kinda in danger righ’ now and shoot I wish I hadn’t told you any of that please don’t go start a fight with him righ’ now I just wanna go on patrol _please_ don’t start anything-”

Raph put a hand over Mikey’s run away mouth, and sighed heavily. “You know what? I don’t fuckin’ care right now. As long as you an’ Don are looking, then something’ll happen eventually. But make it soon, alright?”

Mikey pushed Raph’s hand off his mouth, glancing Raph up and down. “Sooo… you’re not gonna have a fight with him then?”

“Oh no, I’m still gonna rip him a new one when he gets home,” Raph said, bottling his offended outrage for later. He’d been doing that a lot lately. “But, also I won’t make spendin’ time with him any worse for you on patrol. Now fuck off before I change my mind.”

Mikey gave him a wary look, but seemed to figure he better cut his losses and scram. He scurried off, running after Donnie and Leo’s tails as they left through the turnstiles. Raph watched them all disappear from view, lingering the longest on Leo’s blue mask tails.

Raph had been stuck underground, listening to their father repeat the same warning every time he asked about going out; and Leo hadn’t even been giving his full attention to Raph’s problems?

He grit his teeth, and closed his hands into fists by his sides.

Raph wasn’t sure how much more tolerance he had left. They better find out Shredder’s plot soon, or Raph was going to lose it.

Probably speaking, it’d be on Leo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donnie twisted free a pipe from the Shellraiser’s engine block, pulling it out into the light of the garage. He examined it, looking at the accumulated blockage inside its short length. “Hey Raph, pass me the pipe snake and cleaner. I found the clog that was making the noise.”

He held out his hand, and received nothing.

Donnie looked up from his greasy black find, glancing around for his brother. Raph was leaning on a table, staring off into space.

“ _Raph.”_

Raph started, and looked over at Donnie. “What?”

“You were spacing out again,” Donnie said without heat. He walked over to the table covered in tools, and set the clogged pipe down in front of Raph. “If you’re going to help me, it’d work better if you’d actually pay attention to what we’re doing.”

“You’re the one who asked me to come here,” Raph grumbled, but he shoved the drain snake and cleaner over to Donnie anyways. Donnie sprayed the inside of the pipe, and fed the bristled length into it. He didn’t meet Raph’s stare, keeping focus on catching all of the caked on filth inside the pipe.

Obviously speaking, his older brother had something on his mind, and he for once wasn’t voicing it without prompting.

Internally, Donnie sighed. Raph’s mood had been nosediving steadily over the last while, and just about anything could set him off lately.

Donnie had been hoping that by getting his brother to help with the Shellraiser, Raph would be distracted from his thoughts about the Shredder and the possibility of mind worm enslavement. It apparently wasn’t working.

“You can tell me what’s on your mind, you know,” Donnie said, withdrawing the wire snake and pulling the dried filth out.

Raph growled under his breath, starting to tap his fingers on the table. “I’m just thinkin’ about how we’re all just sittin’ around down here, while Shred-head runs around makin’ my life miserable. It’s been _days_ Donnie, and you guys haven’t turned up jack shit! Forgive me for feelin’ a bit restless, but c’mon- you’re dicking around in here while the other two dick around in the lair, when you could all be above ground lookin’ for answers!”

Donnie paused his cleaning, and looked over at his brother. Raph had his usual frown in place, but it was deeper than usual, and carried a fair amount of real anger.

“We can’t be looking all night every night, Raph,” Donnie said, trying to be diplomatic about things. “I need a break, Mikey needs a break, heck, even _Leo_ needs a break. We haven’t stopped looking, and we won’t; but give us a chance to catch our breath, Raph. We’ve been at this for weeks.”

“And I’ve been stuck down _here_ for weeks!” Raph shot back, slamming his fist on the table and making it shake.

Donnie’s nerves jumped, half because of the sudden shout, half because Raph could’ve damaged the salvaged tools with his fist. Donnie narrowed his eyes at his brother. “Don’t do that; don’t go losing your temper at me just because I won’t give you the answer you want.”

“And now you sound like Leo,” Raph muttered, glancing away and huffing.

“Because he’s right about that at least, as badly as he puts it,” Donnie said, subtly moving his precious tools out of Raph’s reach. “I know this is hard for you, and I can understand that you’re feeling claustrophobic at this point… well, maybe I can’t. I’m personally pretty happy down here, since I’ve got everything I need in my lab and garage-”

“Shut up Donnie, I’m not in the mood for your half assed pep talk,” Raph said snappishly.

Donnie’s sympathy for his brother lessened, and he frowned at Raph. “I’m _trying_ to distract you and help you feel better about all this.”

“Well you’re doing a crap job of it.”

Donnie took a slow breath, and struggled to ignore his annoyance with his brother. It was just Raph being surly and looking for a fight, and Donnie didn’t need to give him what he wanted. Donnie would leave that for Leo to trigger.

Donnie picked back up his clogged pipe, and set to removing the remaining bits of blockage. “We’re all just doing our best Raph, and we’ll get through this eventually.”

“Yeah? And how far off is that eventually?” Raph asked in a frustrated tone.

“I… I don’t know. Soon, hopefully speaking, but the Shredder has been unusually subtle about his business lately. We can’t find anything about even their street level activity. It’s like every one of their branches of criminal enterprise suddenly went underground, or just straight up disappeared,” Donnie inspected the pipe’s interior again, checking for anything left over. Clean as a whistle, perfect. He dropped the bristle tool back onto the table, and walked back to the Shellraiser’s open engine block. “We’ve interrogated a couple Purple Dragons, checked social media for evidence of where their drug dealing has gone, searched a couple of former weapon storage facilities… nothing. They’ve just disappeared and taken all evidence of their existence with them.”

“This isn’t making me feel better.”

“Well… it’s not really supposed to,” Donnie admitted, twisting the pipe back into place and withdrawing a small wrench from his belt. “I just thought an information update might be helpful.”

“It’s not. It’s really not.”

Donnie sighed, and rolled his eyes at Raph’s annoyed tone. Did he think he was the only one feeling pressure and stress here? Donnie hadn’t gotten a solid night to himself in days, and he’d given up his few hours of solitude to try and cheer up Raph.

“I just thought-”

“You kinda thought _wrong_ , genius.”

The way Raph said _‘genius’_ made it sound like an insult, not a compliment. Donnie’s patience was wearing thin.

Donnie leaned back out of the engine block, and looked over at his surly older brother. Raph was staring at him, and clenching and unclenching his fists. Definitely looking for a fight then, and expecting Donnie to snap any time now.

No thanks. Donnie didn’t need to add a shout match to his already well stocked stress pile.

“You can leave if you want to,” Donnie said coolly, ignoring how Raph’s glare only intensified. “I’m alright working on my own.”

“Oh yeah? _Fine_ then, I’m out of here,” Raph stood up from his slouch, and stormed off down the tracks. His heavy footsteps thudded down the tunnels, kicking loose stones as he went. _“Didn’t want to help with the stupid Shellraiser anyways…”_

Donnie waited until his brother out of hearing range, and then sighed deeply to himself in the silence.

He turned back to one of his favorite inventions, glancing over the modified train car’s engine parts. He leaned back in, and started to screw the last few bolts around the pipe. Another three screws screwed in, and he stepped back again.

Donnie looked over the engine, checking for any other bits and pieces that seemed in need of care. Nothing stood out, but he could almost feel it; there was still more maintenance to be done.

Donnie sighed again, grumbling under his breath. “Dicking around indeed…”

He wasn’t just goofing around; he was taking care of a serious portion of their arsenal. Without the Shellraiser, they’d be down one of their most formidable advantages in battle. Raph could snap and snipe all he wanted, but Donnie’s maintenance of the vehicle was a big priority.

But…

His computer, and all the processors to decrypt and examine, were waiting still. Raph’s safety was still a question, and the intentions of their most serious enemy were still mostly unclear.

Donnie looked over his vehicle again.

It looked functional enough. He could call it quits for the night, and get back to working on Raph’s little stalker problem.

Priority was priority after all, and their iron rule still stood.

Family first.

Donnie pulled the engine doors closed, and locked them in place.

Well. Back to work then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Raph kicked his punching dummy’s stomach, hard enough it swung backwards violently.

 _“Hey!_ Watch it Raph, I’m still back here,” Leo snapped, catching the dummy’s swing and easing it back down. “If you want me to help with your training, then quit trying to beat _me_ up instead of the dummy.”

Raph grunted, and spun into a heavy kick; sending the dummy right back at Leo again.

“ _Raph!”_ Leo shouted, just dodging the blow. He stepped around the punching dummy, glaring at Raph. “Look, I’m not going to put up with this, so either smarten up or we’re going to have a problem here.”

Raph glared back at his brother, and found his fists curling without much conscious thought.

Maybe he’d asked Leo to help him out for this specific reason. Maybe Raph had been looking for a fight, and had known Leo would give it to him if he pushed hard enough.

Maybe maybe maybe.

Raph pushed into Leo’s personal space, glaring up at Leo across their inch of height difference. “If you’re gonna have a problem with how I work off some steam, then maybe we _will_ have a problem.”

Leo narrowed his eyes, and his lips twitched up in the familiar snarl Raph knew he made when he was really ticked off. Leo shoved Raph away, his hands landing solidly against Raph’s plastron. “Back _off_ Raph.”

“Why don’t _you_ back off?” Raph snapped, shoving back at Leo.

Leo eyes widened, and Raph could visibly see his brother lose his cool. Leo shoved Raph again, and Raph wound up to swing a punch at his brother. Finally, a bit of relief from the suffocating _everything-_

“ _Raphael! Leonardo!”_

Raph stopped his fist, and turned his head.

Their father stood in the middle of what passed as their living room, a deep frown settled on his expression. His tail slithered across the floor, betraying that he was more than just a bit agitated. “You are both acting like _children,_ and I will not tolerate such behaviour from you. Raphael, you especially, purposefully baiting your brothers into a fight; I expected better from you.”

Raph tried, and mostly failed, at reigning in his anger. Attempting to be civil, he retrained his tone of voice into something almost close to polite. “Leo was just helpin’ me with my techniques, ‘s nothin’ big.”

“Um, _excuse me?”_ Leo said in an offended tone. Raph didn’t have to turn around to know what sort of pissed off expression his brother was making. “You were _definitely_ looking for a fight, and purposefully provoked me into one-”

“No one made you do anything, Leonardo,” Splinter cut in, silencing Leo’s increasingly annoying defense. “Your actions were your own, though that does not excuse Raphael’s.” Splinter turned his steady gaze onto Raph. “And you, my son, care to explain your actions? You know better than this, and yet, I find you attempting to start a brawl in our home with your own brother. This is unbecoming of you, Raphael. I know you have better control than that.”

“You wanna know why I’m actin’ out?” Raph said, feeling himself lose his regained control. “It’s because I’ve been stuck down here for _three fucking weeks_ , and literally _nothing_ has happened since then! No Foot! No big plot reveal! Just me forced into hiding underground, like a god damn _coward,_ and the rest you doing jack shit to fix my problem!”

Splinter’s frown deepened, and he thudded his cane against the ground. “Raphael, I will not tolerate that sort of tone or language-”

“ _I don’t care!”_ Raph shouted.

Splinter snapped his mouth shut, and Raph’s stomach dropped out at the anger in his father’s expression.

He’d crossed the line. No going back now.

“It’s been _weeks_ , and I’m sick of hanging around waiting for everyone else to fix this for me!” Raph threw a hand out, pointing at Leo. “And he hasn’t even been giving a hundred percent to it! No- no he’s been lookin’ for Karai when he should’ve been lookin’ for the Foot, and I’m pissed because you haven’t said _anything_ about that!”

“Your sister’s disappearance is as much a priority as your safety, Raphael,” Splinter replied in a calm tone, though Raph could still read anger in his body language. “She is not somewhere protected and secure, unlike you. We have no information of her whereabouts, and so long as that continues, we will look for her. We can solve your dilemma as well as search for Karai; there is no need to separate both efforts.”

Raph reeled, a humorless laugh barking out of his throat. “Oh my god- _seriously?_ You’re seriously still looking for her, over trying to figure out why our literal worst enemy wants me? Come on- _she doesn’t even want saving!_ She’s insane, and dangerous, and would probably put a knife in your back given the chance-”

“ _Raphael.”_ Splinter warned in a low tone.

Raph bit his tongue, cutting off the furious vitriol that had been festering in him for days.

“You will not talk to your family like that, or speak of Karai in that manner.”

Raph balled his fists, and stared at the ground.

“You are both important to me, and our family has been working tirelessly to bring her home, and to keep you safe, Raphael.”

Raph started counting off the seconds, trying to remain silent until his father finished speaking.

“Do you value our efforts so little?”

“No.” Raph bit out. “Can I go now?”

Splinter’s soft sigh dragged on Raph’s nerves. “Yes, but I want you to report to the dojo in another two hours. We will be increasing your private training, seeing as you are in need of an outlet.”

 _“Fine.”_ Raph said shortly, turning and storming away from his infuriating brother and father.

“And where exactly are you going?” Leo asked in a disapproving tone.

“To my _room_ ,” Raph spat, turning his head to glare over his shoulder. “Since, you know, I’m not exactly allowed to go anywhere _else_.”

He strode down the stone hallway, ignoring the stares his brother and father gave him. Raph opened his bedroom door with more force than necessary, and slammed it shut with every bit of force it deserved.

The echoing slam in his lifeless bedroom was less satisfying than he’d thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Well… at least we know the mind worms won’t work on him,” Leo joked half-heartedly, the sound of Raph’s door slamming shut still hanging in the air.

“This is not the time to be joking, Leonardo,” Splinter said sternly, tapping his cane as he approached. “Your brother is in distress, and though he shows it badly, you should treat it with more respect.”

“Hai, Sensei,” Leo agreed reluctantly, nodding once.

Still though. His brother could handle things better. Blowing up at anything he didn’t like, it was really getting on Leo’s nerves. _Especially_ when he aimed it at Leo.

“I don’t know why he’s so upset that we’re looking for Karai too,” Leo said offhandedly, glancing at his father. “I mean, she’s in just as much danger as him; he should be more sympathetic.”

“Raphael is often blinded by his own concerns, and I do not blame him for that during this crisis,” Splinter replied evenly, stroking a claw through his beard. “But do not think he is alone in that, my son. You too can become completely focused on your own concerns, and blind yourself to other issues. Though… to a lesser degree.”

Leo smiled, noting the subtle praise his father gave him. “I try to not let that happen.”

“Hm, yes. That is an important part of being a leader,” Splinter put a hand on Leo’s shoulder, and squeezed gently. “But, a leader also recognizes when he has done wrong. Leonardo, you should not allow your brother to draw you into conflict. You are the master of your own emotions, and should not let Raphael’s temper influence you.”

Leo grimaced, his soft glow of pride fading. “Right, I’m sorry Sensei. It’s just… he’s been so hard to deal with lately, and he won’t even apologize for being such a jerk.”

“Apologies will come when they may, after matters have been settled. For now, ignore your brother’s attempts to goad you into a fight,” Splinter instructed lightly.

Leo nodded, seeing his father’s point. “I won’t let him anymore, promise.” He glanced down the direction Raph had gone, and spoke a question that had begun to weigh heavier in his mind the last week. “Sensei, if the Shredder doesn’t want Raph to put a mind worm in him… then why does he? He _knows_ they don’t work on us, and Raph… he wouldn’t… he wouldn’t ever join willingly. Right?”

Splinter removed his hand from Leo’s shoulder, and placed it on top of his cane. “No. Your brother is far too loyal to our family, and while he is often angry, that emotion does not compare to how deeply he loves. I have faith that whatever the Shredder is trying to tempt him with, he will rise above it. The Shredder is a fool to think he could take Raphael like so.”

Leo rubbed the back of his neck, thinking about his father’s words as well as Tigerclaw’s. “That doesn’t change the fact that Shredder _does_ think he can. And I get the feeling… he’s not going to stop pursuing Raph.”

“Which is why he must remain here, safe within our home,” Splinter tapped his cane twice, and started walking towards the dojo. “Remind your other brothers that patrol is soon, I do not want them becoming distracted. Perhaps, if you find new information tonight, you may mollify your brother’s malcontent.”

“Hai Sensei, I’ll tell them,” Leo promised. With one last glance after his infinitely frustrating brother, Leo hurried off to remind his less annoying siblings that it was almost time to leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Raph could feel the tension in his home mounting, like it had for weeks now.

Another few days, and a fourth week of confinement was marked down.

There was still no Foot activity anywhere in the city, and Raph was still restrained in his own home.

The eerie radio silence unnerved him, but also, drove him crazy. Whatever the Foot were planning, it wasn’t going to happen until he left the lair.

Or, maybe nothing would happen at all if he left.

That was the thought that always managed to pop back up, no matter how many times he forcefully crushed it.

It was a trap; it _had_ to be a trap. Otherwise, why would the Shredder’s forces just suddenly disappear like that?

But…

The longer he waited, the more restless Raph felt. He needed to be active, he need to be a part of what was going on.

He felt twitchy and keyed up and so unbelievably _frustrated._

His training hours with his Sensei increased, and while they tired his body out, spending so much one on one with his father didn’t help his temper much. Splinter’s presence was starting to feel suffocating; his father’s disapproval and worry were a near constant during training.

He got it, Splinter was worried about the Shredder’s interest in Raph, and his bad temper was maybe getting out of hand.

But seriously, would it kill his family to give him a bit of breathing room? Raph could take care of himself; they didn’t need to police his actions so much.

He was really getting sick of being in the lair, day after day and night after night. Same stone walls, same rooms filled with the same possessions, the same the same the same.

He needed to get out, see something more than just sewer tunnels and train stations; but Raph knew he couldn’t.

No above ground runs until they were sure he wouldn’t be captured again.

The thought that nothing would happen if he left got louder whenever the topic came up.

His family was poor distraction from that thought.

Raph only saw Casey and April for a few hours a week, both of them busy with their own lives. They, and his brothers, didn’t know how lucky they were. Getting to come and go as they pleased, while Raph was stuck underground with a lot of questions, and not a lot of answers.

Something had to give. Either his brothers had to find something, _anything_ , about why the Shredder wanted him, or… Raph was going to snap.

He could feel it. He hated that he knew, but he did. It was only a matter of time before something or someone set him off and he did something stupid.

It was like a constant pressure, the stress and paranoia mixing with his anger. Most evenings, Raph woke up and already felt like shit. And typically, he went to bed feeling the same way.

Four weeks.

He’d been trapped for four weeks.

It was starting to feel like hell.

“Raph, I’ve got a new invention I’d like you to help me test,” Donnie asked, cutting into Raph’s thoughts.

Raph slid his eyes over to his brother, dropping the comic he’d been reading without interest. Donnie was beckoning him towards the lab, dressed in his goggles and metal working gloves.

Raph considered for a moment, and then hauled himself off the couch. He hadn’t been doing much anyways, just stewing in his own stress.

Mikey was sitting on one of the lab tables, kicking his feet while he tapped away at his T-phone. Raph raised an eye ridge. “What’s he doing in here? You never let Mikey in your lab.”

“I let him in more often than you’d think,” Donnie replied as he picked up something from another table. “He’s been helping me too.”

“If I can’t figure out how to pull somethin’ apart-” Mikey winked at Raph. “-then no one can. I’m for tamper proofing,”

“He’s actually fairly helpful with that,” Donnie commented, fussing with the device in his hands. “Similarly… I’m hoping you’d use those muscles you brag about to test the strength limits of this wire. You’re the strongest physically speaking out of the four of us, so if you wouldn’t mind…”

Donnie held up the length of cable wire linked between two hand grips. He was looking at Raph expectantly, but also…

He seemed to be looking for something. Waiting for something.

Raph glanced at Mikey.

Mikey was subtly darting looks out of the corner of his eye, though not subtly enough. He also seemed to be waiting for something. Looking for something.

They were waiting for Raph’s reaction.

Raph looked at the cables again.

The handles looked new, and the overall design seemed almost thrown together, and why did Donnie even need him to do this, he had machines that were way stronger than… Raph…

Oh.

Wait.

He knew what was going on here.

Raph’s temper flared.

Donnie was trying to distract him again. He was giving Raph a simple task and hoping it’d be enough to get his mind off things.

Raph smacked the cables away, and growled, “I don’t need your _pity_ Donnie.”

Donnie stepped back, looking offended. “What- no, I was just-”

“You were takin’ pity on your stupid big brother, and tryin’ to play ‘im for an idiot!” Raph snapped, his festering anger rising up his throat and constricting it. “You don’t actually need me to do _anything,_ and I fucking know it! So just fuck off with your- your _useless inventions_ and leave me the hell alone!”

Raph didn’t stick around to hear Donnie’s response, turning his back on his brothers and heading for the lab doors.

He slammed it shut behind him, and this time, the echoing sound was exactly as satisfying as he’d hoped.

Though, it didn’t help his frustration any.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Told ya it wouldn’t work,” Mikey said, going back to his app games.

Donnie’s growled response, momentary pause, and then sigh said it all.

Mikey hummed sympathetically. “Don’t take it to heart Dee, he’s just bein’ pissy.”

“He always goes for my inventions when he’s angry, why can’t he just leave them alone?” Donnie muttered in reply, dropping the cable thingy on the table and hopping up next to Mikey. “I really did need him to test the cables; I’m just trying to collect data on their strength against different situations.”

“Hm, don’t think he took it like that,” Mikey said with a shrug. He crushed four more candy jewels on his phone, adding to his high score.

“Ugh, he’s been getting worse every day, and I still don’t have anything new to tell him,” Donnie groaned, putting his head in his hands. “I just want to be able to _breathe_ in my own house again, without feeling like I’m suffocating on paranoia and anger.”

“Same here,” Mikey agreed, ending his sixteenth round with a full set of hearts. Nice. “Leo an’ Sensei an’ Raph are all being so… _bleh_ lately, its makin’ me feel crazy.”

“Like that’s a change from usual,” Donnie chuckled dryly.

“Shut up, like you’re feelin’ any different about things.”

“I think I’m getting significantly less sleep than you right now, so I’d say we’re experiencing things differently yes.”

Mikey blew a raspberry, saving his game and closing the screen. “Man, whatever. All this means is that it’s my turn to try an’ fix Raphie’s bad mood.”

“I have a very bad feeling about that.”

“It’ll work, it always works!”

“You have a very loose definition of things working out.”

Mikey hopped off the table, and gave a quick salute to Donnie. “I got this Dee, I’m all over it.”

Donnie gave him a doubtful look. “I don’t know about this…”

“Trust me,” Mikey gave Donnie a winning smile, complete with jazz hands. “I’ve got the whole thing planned out, right to the end!”

Donnie still looked like he doubted Mikey, but whatever. Mikey would prove that he knew what he was doing, soon as he finished executing his plan.

The way Donnie had described how their home had felt lately… it was pretty accurate truthfully speaking. Mikey would walk into a room sometimes, one with Raph or Leo or their Sensei in it; and it would suddenly feel like he was breathing under a heavy blanket.

Every day felt like breathing under a heavy blanket lately; everyone kept stepping on each other’s toes and nerves and it was just one big mess of stress and pent up anger. Raph was the worst with that, always stalking around and looking for an excuse to start a fight.

Not that Leo and their father had been any better. They were always saying the same things; be careful of this, be careful of that, don’t upset your brother, don’t complain about having to go do the same thing every night, and etc.

Mikey got it, he knew what was at stake; they could stop it with the reminders already! He wasn’t stupid, however much his brothers liked to tease him for being a bit slow sometimes…

Mikey tried to shrug off Raph’s glares, tried to ignore his surlier than normal attitude, and tried so, so hard not to give into the abrasive comments he made.

But…

It was making him twitchy.

The way Raph was acting, combined with their brother and Sensei’s own behavior, the pressure was really starting to get to Mikey.

He was _dying_ for relief. Actually _dying_. He hated tense situations in his home, and he couldn’t help that they made him want to do _anything_ to stop it.

He had to do something; he was going to actually go insane if the pressure wasn’t lifted soon.

Stress made it twice as hard to keep himself under control, every negative interaction with his family mounting the twitchiness in Mikey’s hands.

He knew he shouldn’t poke at Raph. It was the number one thing that he’d been told to not do.

But- he just couldn’t _not_ anymore.

It itched in the back of his brain, it itched and itched and itched and he couldn’t ignore it any longer. The need to bother Raph until he exploded, and have all the tension finally released.

Donnie had cautioned Mikey in private against doing so, same as poking at their leader and Sensei. But Mikey had told him that while it would be sucky the first little bit, getting Raph to blow up would feel better in the long run. It had to; it’d always worked like that.

Raph got wound up, someone set him off, and then he chased whoever that was until he feels better. Maybe that brother, whoever it was unlucky enough to end up the scapegoat, got a little beat up; but that didn’t matter much afterwards.

Raph would get mad at Mikey, blow off some steam, and then everything would be fine again. If Raph stopped being so grumpy and touchy, then Mikey would stop feeling like he had ants on his brain.

It was a win win. Everyone was happy, soon as Raph stopped beating up Mikey.

Heck, maybe even before then.

Anything to relieve the tension.

 _Anything_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Raph set a mixing bowl down on the counter, next to the spoons Mikey had already gotten out. Despite the fact that he very rarely entered the kitchen with his youngest brother, Raph was desperate enough for an activity that he’d agreed to bake with Mikey.

Mikey’s chipper attitude grated on Raph’s nerves, but everything did that lately, so it wasn’t too much trouble to ignore the feeling.

Maybe he’d feel better after this. Raph had been feeling increasingly sour today, no matter what he tried to relieve the mood.

“Heeeey Raphie?”

“Don’t call me that,” Raph grumbled.

“Can you get the eggs out of the fridge? We need ‘em for the bread.”

Raph sighed, but went to do so anyways. He dodged around Mikey, who was in a rush to get something from the other half of the kitchen. A pan maybe, since he hadn’t set one out yet…

Raph bent, and opened the fridge.

He heard the click of a locking mechanism, and caught sight of the mini catapults on the shelves just in time-

For four eggs to come flying out, and smack him right in the chest.

Raph reeled backwards, swearing at the sudden and cold impacts, and then he heard something _else_ start clicking away, and-

A bowl of flour tipped onto his head, from on top of the fridge.

Raph was covered in flour, and he could feel it clumping with the egg still sliding down his plastron.

The dust hadn’t even settled, and he could already hear Mikey laughter from outside the splash zone.

Raph grit his teeth so hard, he swore they could’ve cracked.

He grabbed a towel off the counter, and wiped the worst of the mess off himself. He could still feel the gross stickiness of the egg yolks though, and flour clung to his scales stubbornly.

He threw the towel onto the floor, and stepped over it as he rounded on his brother.

“Ohmygod- your _face!_ Should have seen your _face!”_ Mikey laughed, clutching his sides as he leaned on the table for support. “I- oh my god- I think my sides splitting holy _shit-”_

“Shut _UP!”_ Raph bellowed, slamming his fists on the table.

Mikey’s laughter cut off, his humor disappearing in the face of Raph’s climbing rage.

“You think that’s fucking _funny?!”_ Raph shouted, loud enough his voice made Mikey jumped. “Well? _Well?!”_

Mikey grimaced, starting to inch towards the door. “Jeeze Raph, it was just a joke-”

Raph grabbed the bottle of olive oil off the table, and threw it at the wall next to Mikey. It shattered, glass spraying across the floor.

Mikey flinched away from the glass, and shot Raph a glare.

Raph stormed across the room, and got right in Mikey’s face. “I. am _not_. in the _fucking mood_. for this _shit,_ _Mikey.”_

Mikey scowled, looking sulky and annoyed. “You’re _never_ in the mood for a good joke. God, sometimes it’s like you don’t have funny bone. Like, _come on_ , stop being such a dick about everything,” Mikey scoffed, and started to push past Raph towards the door. “But whatever, forget it. It’s not like you know how to have fun anyways…”

Raph’s last strand of self-control snapped.

He threw a punch at Mikey, catching his brother across the temple.

Mikey, caught off guard by Raph’s sudden and violent action, lost his footing.

He went down hard.

Then-

Raph jerked backwards, as Mikey started to scream.

Mikey screams made Raph’s hearing ring, the anguished sound filling every corner of the room.

Raph stumbled away, unable to process what was happening.

“Mikey- I-”

Mikey howled louder, clutching his arm to his chest.

Raph froze in horror, staring at the red spreading across the floor.

He-

He’d-

Oh god-

Mikey’s _arm-_

Someone burst through the kitchen door, and more shouting followed their family in.

Raph backed up further, until his shell met the wall.

He couldn’t-

What was even _happening-_

Mikey was curled on himself, their father and brothers' shouting and talking-

But all Raph could focus on was the blood still spilling onto the floor.

He struggled to take a breath.

That was a lot of blood-

Everyone was yelling-

The red it was _everywhere-_

What had he _done-_

Raph’s hearing filled with the sound of his own thundering heart rate, staring at the puddle spreading from his youngest brother.

He-

He couldn’t have-

_“Raphael!”_

Raph couldn’t- he couldn’t _breathe-_

_“Raph!”_

He’d just been so _angry_ -

_“RAPH!”_

Everything got louder and louder and the blood just kept _spreading and-_

Raph bolted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Raph lost track of where he was, or where he was going, but somehow he kept running until he was above ground.

Standing on top of a building, under the thickly clouded night sky, Raph gasped for breath.

His hands were shaking.

His knees were shaking.

He felt shaky all over.

His gasps for breath were harsh, and each gulp of air stung.

He couldn’t process anything. He couldn’t think at all.

Rain drops splattered on his scales, the clouds above opening up and starting to pour.

Raph stared at nothing, trying and failing to figure out what was happening.

His raw horror- at himself, at the blood, at what he’d _done_ \- it blocked everything in his head.

He felt numb under his shakiness, the cold dread spreading up his limbs.

The rain got worse, turning into a downpour.

Raph stayed standing in the open, gasping wetly for breath. The water washed off the remaining flour and eggs, the evidence of Mikey’s harmless prank flowing away with the rain.

Raph stared at it, dissolving into nothing.

Then-

He stared at his hands.

He’d- oh god, he’d-

His hands started to shake.

He clenched them into fists, like the one he’d used on Mikey-

Raph dropped his hands to his sides, and tried to take another breath.

He couldn’t breathe.

Something darted in the corner of his vision, and Raph spun.

A black figure, barely visibly in the dark, stood across the roof from him.

Raph’s numb fingers went for his sais, but-

They closed on empty air.

He looked back at the black figure.

It was gone.

But in its place-

Raph heard the soft landings of tens of Foot bots, the sound of weapons being drawn, and…

He turned his head, and faced the veritable army that had descended on him.

Tigerclaw stood at the front, flanked by Rahzar and Fishface. The fifty some Foot bots scattered around them, surrounding the rooftop.

Raph didn’t even have the energy to sneer.

Tigerclaw’s hand went up, and he signalled the attack.

Raph didn’t bother to run. He knew he wouldn’t escape, not in his condition.

As the wave of black and red swallowed him, Raph let loose the scream that had been stuck in his throat.

It echoed across the rooftops, going on and on until-

It didn’t.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, for the B-team and myself.
> 
> Writing is cathartic, when you're feeling upset.

 

 

_“_ _I can’t believe he did that- I mean I knew- Raph’s always been such a hot head, but this…?”_

_“What transpired was a tragedy, but we cannot fault Raphael for everything. Michelangelo’s interference did play a factor.”_

_“Sensei… that can’t excuse him…”_

_“I am not excusing him; I am simply putting perspective to the situation.”_

_“Hai, Sensei. I understand.”_

Donnie tuned out the rest of the conversation, regretting not asking his father and brother to leave the lab when he started working on Mikey’s arm.

He withdrew another shard of glass from his little brother’s scales, dropping it with a soft clink into the metal dish on the table beside him. Mikey barely flinched, but still did; biting his lip and staring hard at the ceiling above his gurney.

Donnie kept his eyes on his work.

He carefully put his tweezers back into the gashes on Mikey’s arm.

Another shard of glass- bigger this time almost the size of his finger tip- added to the growing pile in the dish.

Its clink rang loudly in the lab, his father and Leo’s conversation having died off, finally.

“Donatello.”

Donnie paused, tweezers hovering in the air, to look up at his father.

Splinter had a solemn expression, and a tired and frustrated air to him. His ears were laid back, showing just how heavily things were weighing on him. “Donatello, your brother and I are going to retrieve Raphael. He has had ample time to himself, and it is time he returns to our home. You will stay here and care for Michelangelo, will you not?”

Donnie gave his father a measured look.

_As if he’d do anything else._

“Hai, Sensei,” Donnie replied, only vaguely noticing how distant he sounded. Whatever, tone wasn’t relevant when his brother had an arm full of glass and needed a couple dozen stitches.

Donnie didn’t watch his eldest brother and their father leave, refocusing completely on Mikey.

 _Clink._ Another shard of glass.

_Clink._

_Clink._

_Clink._

_Clink._

_Clink-_

“You can stop now,” Donnie said, voice quiet and toneless.

Mikey remained silent, biting his lip.

_Clink._

“It hurts, and they’re gone. You can stop now.”

Just let it out.

_Clink._

Donnie paused, dabbing at the fresh trickle of blood coming from a reopened wound.

He picked back up his tweezers.

_Clink._

He waited, listening for the tipping point.

_Clink._

He was going to need a lot of suture thread. Mikey had landed awkwardly on the glass, and he’d gotten most of the bottle shoved under his scales. His arm would scar, badly, and require careful attention lest it become infected.

_Clink._

But, by a miracle of luck, Donnie’s only younger brother hadn’t injured any important ligaments or tendons. Beyond some stiffness during cold seasons, Mikey would make a full recovery, and his arm would retain its normal mobility.

_Clink._

_Clink._

_Clink-_

“I’m sorry.”

There.

Donnie glanced up, dropping another shard into the dish.

Mikey was still staring at the ceiling, and he’d split his lip from biting it. A single droplet escaped, but he licked it away.

“I’m sorry,” He croaked again, a tear sliding from the corner of his eye. With his mask off, he looked bare. He always looked bare without it; utterly unlike the crowing warrior he was in battle, and too much like the kid he was underneath.

They all looked like that, in Donnie’s opinion, without their masks. All of them.

Even Raph, even Leo.

Even Donnie.

Donnie waited, silently, as Mikey unwound himself.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Mikey choked out, another tear sliding over his scales. “I-I just couldn’t help myself. I had to. _I had to._ It was s-suffocating, an’ none of them would _stop it_ , an’ I just got so _sick of everything-”_

Mikey broke off, a sob escaping him.

Donnie watched, silent still, and tamping down on his emotions.

“Don’t move, you’ll agitate the wound,” He said in the kindest tone he could manage, while still keeping himself in check.

Mikey jerked a short nod, and wiped his tears with his uninjured arm. “I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Donnie started on the arm again, acting on the persisting need to remove the glass before it worked itself deeper. So many little shattered pieces, broken worse by Mikey’s thrashing and clutching earlier.

_Clink._

“It’s my fault.”

_Clink._

“I knew I wasn’t supposed to, an’ then I did it _anyways.”_

_Clink._

“I-It’s my _fault-”_

_Clink._

“Shh, Mikey,” Donnie said softly, forcing himself to remain calm despite his brother’s hiccupping sobs. “You’ll be alright. I just have to patch you up.”

“Why can’t I control myself?” Mikey asked, plaintive and pained. “I-I try and try and try and it never _works_.”

_Clink._

“He’s out there- a-alone and the Shredder’s hunting him and- and-” Mikey bit his lip, reopening the split and starting the droplets trickling from it again. “-it _hurts_. Donnie it _hurts_. Make it stop, please, it _hurts so much-”_

 _“Shh,”_ Donnie said, putting down his tweezers for the moment and grasping his brother’s shaking hand. The one that led to the glass, the one that still had stains on its scales. Red stains.

Donnie held his brother’s hand.

“I know. I know it hurts. I’m sorry. I’ll fix it, I promise.”

“ _I’m so sorry,”_ Mikey whispered hoarsely, more tears sliding onto the pillow. He turned his head towards Donnie, wide eyes filled with droplets. _“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry-”_

“Shh,” Donnie said, squeezing Mikey’s hand gently. _“Shh.”_

_“I-I’m sorry-”_

“Mikey, it’s okay, you’ll be okay. We’ll all be okay. I’ll fix this,” Donnie said, words heavy with an oath to himself and his family. _“I’ll fix this.”_

“It _hurts_ ,” Mikey said, voice cracking. “It hurts so badly.”

“I know. I’ll fix that too.”

“ _Please.”_

“I know. I know. I know. I’m sorry. _I’m sorry._ ”

Donnie held Mikey’s hand, and waited until his brother cried himself out.

When Mikey’s tears ran dry, and he returned to staring at the ceiling and biting his lip, it was only then that Donnie released his hold.

He picked up his tweezers. Hands steady, mind focused.

He could feel upset later. He could feel later.

Emotions didn’t have place in this situation, not while Mikey’s arm remained full of glass.

Not while Raph was missing, not while their family was hurting.

He could feel later.

Donnie held his tweezers, and started picking at the clear crystals again.

_Clink._

_Clink._

_Clink._

_Clink._

_Clink._

When the last shard fell into the dish- completing the red stained scene of crystalline shards- Donnie put down his tweezers.

He gave Mikey another round of painkillers.

He held his brother’s hand, and told him he would fine, they would all be fine.

He washed his hands.

He washed the table.

He sterilized his equipment.

He picked up his thread and needles.

He sat down, and started sewing his baby brother back together.

_One loop, two loops, three loops…_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect more soon.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys look an update

 

 

Raph slowly opened his eyes, dragging himself up from a heavy sleep.

The first thing he registered was just how comfortable his body felt.

The second thing he registered was that the ceiling above him wasn’t one he’d ever seen before.

Raph bolted upright, fighting against the lethargy to his movements. Gasping from shock- and rapidly recalling everything that’d happened before he blacked out- Raph took stock of his situation.

He was-

On a bed? And-

Not restrained at… all…?

Raph looked around the warmly lit room.

He’d been laid out on a large and comfortable bed, and the comforter was now scrunched around his formerly flailing legs. A side table had the only light in the room on it, a pleasantly bright lamp on top of it. The room itself wasn’t very big, sized at a large bedroom range. A mirror was on the far wall from him, with a sink underneath it. A toilet was beside the sink, and a curtain was hung on hooks there; waiting to be drawn around the facility.

The walls were a cream, and the floor was made up of dark wood. A table and two chairs was placed a ways from the bed Raph sat on, and a large throw carpet was set between the two pieces of furniture. There were no windows to be seen at all.

 Raph’s eyes darted to the single exit in the room; a door made of dark metal.

He then glanced down at his body, searching for the injuries he’d acquired earlier.

His… his hands and legs were bandaged, and he felt little to no pain when he moved them. He still had his belt, and he could feel his mask in place across his face.

Raph slid his eyes up, and search for any visible cameras. None. He couldn’t spot any right off the bat, but he had a feeling there would be some; placed out of sight in the room to watch and monitor him with.

If they were watching, and he couldn’t do anything about it, he might as well start looking around.

Raph slowly got out of the bed, stepping onto the cool wood floor. Nothing happened as he stood motionless.

Raph’s senses prickled, internal alarms blaring.

He’d been captured. He’d been taken. He was prisoner of an insane man and he had no weapons. He’d gone out against his father’s orders, and he’d-

And he’d-

Raph’s breath hitched, and it felt someone had just punched him.

_He’d- oh god- Mikey-_

His lungs constricted, and Raph clutched his head as the scene came rushing back all at once.

_Blood spreading across the floor- Mikey screaming and screaming and_ screaming- _his hands shaking- his fault ALL HIS FAULT-_

Raph’s legs gave out, and his knees hit the soft carpet with a thump.

What’d he done, how _could he-?_

Raph gasped brokenly, horror overwhelming his senses.

He’d hurt his brother, he’d physically injured Mikey in an irreparable way. And all because he couldn’t control his _temper-_

Raph sucked in a shaky breath, covering his eyes and trying to reel himself in. He- he couldn’t freak out right now. He was in enemy territory, he needed to focus.

He wiped his eyes, swallowing his hurricane of emotions, and forced his tired legs to stand again.

Raph searched the room from top to bottom, trying repeatedly to break down the door. Nothing resulted from it. He couldn’t find the cameras, _or_ get the door open. There were no visible hinges to tamper with, and no matter how hard he threw himself at it; it wouldn’t even budge.

He ended up panting and sore an unknown amount of time later, leaned against the sink as he took gulps of the tap water.

In the back of his mind, his father and Leo’s voices reminded him that the water could be contaminated. Raph was so thirsty though, that he decided to take a chance.

And besides, a very Donnie like voice reasoned, why would the Shredder go through all the work of making his room so… _comfortable_ , and only _then_ poison him?

It didn’t make sense.

Nothing about this made sense.

After searching the room top to bottom, side to side, even checking behind the toilet and then _inside_ the toilet- Raph couldn’t find anything that gave him a clue as to what the fuck was happening. Or what _was_ going to happen.

He wasn’t chained up. He wasn’t in a dungeon. He wasn’t even profusely injured and dying slowly.

He didn’t have a brain worm in him. He’d checked extensively, poking into his mouth and as close to his gag reflex as he dared.

Nothing. No pain, no weird lumps in the back of his throat.

As far as Raph could tell, he was completely in control of his mental facilities, and free to roam this one room.

Which made about as much sense as Mikey usually did-

Raph bit off that thought, his concentration buckling for a moment. He couldn’t think about- about his brother right now. It would push him over the edge and make him vulnerable. He already was as things stood, weaponless and exhausted.

Unwanted nap or no, Raph was still drained from… from earlier events. Emotionally and physically. He needed food, water, and rest; and soon.

He had water, no food, and the nap hadn’t done anything for him.

Things weren’t looking good.

He’d been dicking around for probably hours now, and still no sign of Foot or the Shredder. The absence of enemy presence was making Raph’s scales crawl, too eerie for him to relax even for moment. Not with the chance that the moment his guard was down… they’d get him.

In the end, Raph figured he’d searched the room enough that there wasn’t anything left for him to find. Short of using power tools he didn’t have to tear apart the walls and door, it looked like he wasn’t going anywhere, anytime soon.

That left him with one option.

Raph hauled every piece of movable furniture over to the locked door, and made a barricade.

The bed, the table, the chairs- even the stupid and maybe really soft carpet. He picked up or pushed each one of them into position, so they blocked the entrance into the room.

The physical exertion it took to move the whole bed without taking it apart curbed some of his anger, but not by much. The situation at hand still made his emotions boil, still made him want to lose it and tear into everything without any direction.

Raph didn’t though.

He could do that later.

He finished pushing everything into place, making sure it all locked together, and then sat down.

Crouched in the furthest corner from the doorway, where the bed had formerly been, Raph settled in for the wait.

Who or what he was waiting for, he wasn’t sure. He hoped it would be his brothers, busting through his blockade to rescue him.

Though, when he thought of them- of the horror he’d committed- he faltered for a moment.

What exactly would happen after that, once they’d rescued him?

What would they decide to do with him?

What he’d done, could he ever-?

Raph squashed those thoughts.

No thinking of that. He wasn’t going to even consider those thoughts until he was home again. Thinking about those things would just throw him off further, and at the moment, he needed to be sharper than ever.

Raph settled into his corner, eyes locked steadily on the door.

He crouched, tensed and keenly aware of everything around him, and waited.

He waited, and resisted the need to rest.

He had no way to tell time. No way to count up how long he’d been waiting.

Slowly, without the sound of his own movements in the room, the silence started to feel deafening.

His arms and legs started to ache again, from the unnerved tension running through him.

Against his own will, Raph started to tire.

The only way he could tell time was passing, was because of the steady beat of his own heart. And as the silence pressed down on him, it got louder and louder. Thrumming fast then slow, changing pace again and again as Raph’s perception warped. It should have been steady, going at a set pace as he crouched motionless, but the silence surrounding him was throwing him off.

He’d never sat in silence this long.

He’d sat utterly still for much, much longer- training and all- but this was something different. He’d always had some sort of noise nearby, be it cars or water or distant voices of his brothers…

There was nothing in the room but himself and the furniture, and somehow, that made things unbearable compared to past experiences.

Plus, the horrible, choking sensation of being stuck _waiting_ \- it was making everything worse.

He didn’t know when someone would try to get through his barricade, and he didn’t know if it would be friend or foe who tried first.

Raph’s breathing sounded too loud, just like his heart.

He didn’t move though, staying still despite the growing discomfort.

He kept waiting.

His heart beat on.

Raph crouched motionless for hours- it _had_ to be hours. No way around it, even without the ability to tell time. He’d been stuck, cramped into his corner, for hours, and _nothing_.

Mind games. It had to be mind games. Making him wait, drawing it out until…

Until what?

Raph didn’t know, and it set him on edge, even as his senses filled with a dull buzz of exhaustion and returning pain.

His vision skewed, and Raph had to jerk himself back to awareness.

How long had he been thinking? How long had it been since he entered the room?

How long had it been since he-

Raph’s breath caught, and for lack of anything else to think about- he finally couldn’t hold off any longer the horror filled images in his head.

The bottle he’d thrown. The glass shards it had sprayed across the floor. The moment Mikey had fallen onto them-

Screams and blood and Mikey on the floor, _howling-_

Was he okay?

Stupid question. Of course he wasn’t.

Raph wasn’t sure if things _could_ be okay after this.

No, Donnie could patch him up. Their father’s healing hand techniques, they would speed the mending of Mikey’s arm. Mikey would fine.

Right?

The echoing room- the silence so thick now that it _rang_ in his skull- gave Raph no answers.

Raph’s vision blurred, and he rubbed his stinging eyes.

He glanced at the door, for the millionth time in however long since he started his vigil, and prayed it would trigger some sort of response.

Nothing.

The door stayed shut.

Shame prickled over Raph, and he rubbed his eyes again.

He was here, at the mercy of their worst enemy, when he should have been home.

It was all his fault. The whole situation was his fault.

He should have controlled himself better. Should have laughed off Mikey’s prank, and made his brother help him clean up the mess. He should have treated the whole thing like it was meant to be treated- like a stress relief, like _fun_.

He should have cleaned the mess up, made baked goods with his brother, and gone on with their normal routine.

Not-

Not this. Not what he’d done.

A harmless prank, and Raph losing his temper like he always did- and it had caused damage he might not ever be able to undo.

In a moment of allowed weakness, Raph lowered his face into his hands.

The image of his brother, curled on himself and bleeding out, flashed across Raph’s mind.

His eyes stung, and he let out a raspy, choked gasp.

He hoped Mikey could forgive him.

He hoped his whole family could forgive him.

Raph was sorry. So, so sorry. He’d never been sorrier in his whole life.

There was a chance he’d never get to say that. To his family, to his brother.

There was a chance he’d never see them again while he lived, and that the last memory they’d have of him would be… would be of him…

The strangling, warping silence of the room lifted for a moment, as Raph’s pained gasps echoed on its walls.

 

 

 

 

Mikey’s eyes didn’t slide open, back to awareness, because they’d never closed. He hadn’t stopped being completely aware of himself and his surroundings once the long, horrid hours he’d been waiting for his father and brothers to come home.

So when the footsteps echoed into his home, he was sitting up before he realized it. Vision swimming- blood loss painfully apparent- Mikey forced his unsteady legs off the cot Donnie had put him on.

His arm felt like one big ache, and through the receding numbness there, he could feel where his fresh stitches pulled on his skin.

It hurt. Everything hurt. Even deep, deep down in him, it hurt.

Mikey shook off his wooziness, and pushed himself off the cot.

He could hear voices now, coming from the far side of the lab, leaking in through the partially opened doorway. He started towards them, forcing his body to ignore its desire for rest. He’d wanted to sleep for hours, but he hadn’t let himself. Not till Raph was home, not till he could see his family back together again and they could-

Talk maybe? Sit down and… _something_.

Pain medication and actual pain fogged Mikey’s thoughts, making it hard to think at all.

Blood loss and trauma and just… a hugely sucky day, it made everything feel like soup in his head.

Mikey pushed open the doors of the lab, putting one hand on the frame to steady himself.

He spotted Donnie first, standing stiff at attention. Then their father, then Leo, and…

No Raph.

Mikey blinked, trying to compute the scene before him.

No, that-

That couldn’t be right.

They wouldn’t have- they wouldn’t have _left him_ out there, would they-?

Mikey heard his family’s voices, getting louder. Leo was nearly shouting- why was he nearly shouting- and their father’s deep and grave voice, reverberating like rumbling thunder with anger and frustration and-

-why wasn’t Raph with them?

Mikey blinked again, and felt like he was suddenly underwater.

Donnie, the only one not making noise and harshly expressive gestures, glanced over his shoulder at Mikey.

Wide and tired and _scared_ red eyes met Mikey’s blue ones- and the bottom of Mikey’s stomach dropped out.

Oh.

Oh no.

No, no please _no_ -

Mikey’s head swam, and he couldn’t understand his father and brother’s voices anymore.

But the volume, the tone, the rapid and jerky movements they both made- it made things all too clear regardless.

They hadn’t found Raph. They’d searched for hours and hours and found nothing.

The entire time Mikey had been lying on a bed, feeling sorry and sore for himself, his eldest family members had been searching for his brother and-

It had resulted in nothing.

Mikey staggered, and leaned heavily on the frame of the lab doors.

All the air left his lungs, and he stared sightlessly at his remaining family members.

Something strangled and wordless climbed out his throat, and he put a hand over his mouth.

His fault _\- it was_ _all his fault._

Raph was gone, maybe captured, probably alone and hurt and-

It was all Mikey’s fault.

If only he’d- if he’d never tried- _if only he’d controlled himself better-_

Choked and broken, a sound escaped Mikey, and he slid down to the floor on his knees.

His arm stung, the bandages straining as he held his hand to his mouth. It stung and reminded Mikey just how badly he’d screwed everything up.

Guilt and pain swirled through him, and Mikey felt nauseous from both.

It was all his fault.

All… all his fault…

Mikey’s vision blurred, and he felt like he was falling.

Someone caught him- and it turned out he _had_ been falling sideways.

Lethargically, Mikey looked up.

Donnie was frowning down at him, grim and worried and gaunt in the way he always was, the last few months.

Slowly, Mikey shook his head. Unable to verbalize everything inside his head right then.

Donnie’s eyes saddened, and he gently pulled Mikey off the ground. He didn’t speak either, only looping an arm under Mikey’s and helping him towards their father and brother.

Mikey let him, but he felt like he’d left a piece of himself behind. Stuck in that moment of horror, still reeling from everything.

All his fault, it was all his fault… and Raph was paying the price.

 

 

 

 

Raph jerked awake so harshly, he smacked the back of his skull against the wall.

A flurry of panic thoughts ran through his head- taking in that he’d fallen asleep, that he’d fallen asleep in _enemy territory_ , and that-

The room-

What had happened to the room?

His barricade was gone.

The table and chairs, as well as their accompanying carpet, had been place back in their spots. The bed was on the opposite side of where it had first been, where Raph was now- instead neatly placed in the corner adjacent to him. It looked like nothing had been moved at all in the first place.

Raph then realized he wasn’t alone.

Someone was sitting at the table, a cup in his hands, and calmly taking a sip from the handle-less cup.

Raph shot up into a defense stance, as he realized-

-the person sitting so calmly at the table, was _the Shredder._

His heartrate skyrocketed, and his whole body tensed up for the fight. It was now or never, either he’d go down fighting or he’d escape- no _way_ was he letting himself be enslaved, not now, not _ever again-_

_“Raphael,”_ The Shredder said in a deep, steady voice- making Raph’s whole body twitch. “I see you’ve awoken.”

“What gave it away?” Raph said in a low, dangerous tone. He held his fists up, feet apart and ready to jump into battle. “So, you gonna get up and fight, or am I gonna have to listen to you monologue a bit first?”

The heavily scarred human slid his eyes over to Raph, and for the first time, Raph noticed the Shredder was missing his trademark helmet. It was instead set on the table, right next to the tea pot and cups. The sharp tines of the helmet gleamed in the soft light of Raph’s prison.

“I am not here to fight,” Shredder said, once again in a calm and deep voice. He set his cup down, turning his full attention to Raph. “I am here to visit.”

“Yeah, _sure_ ,” Raph spat.

Shredder didn’t blink at Raph’s tone, keeping his level gaze on Raph. “It’s true. I have no other intentions at the moment, other than to sit down and talk with you.”

Raph’s temper flared- weeks of stress and pent up anger exploding all at once in him.

This man, this man was the cause of _everything-_

Raph was moving before he registered it.

The table went flying, and the Shredder’s chair scrapped against the floor, and the tea set shattered on the ground, and-

-all the air went out of Raph’s lungs, as he found himself being held to the floor.

Then the grip around his neck and arms vanished, and Raph scrambled to put distance between himself and his enemy.

He shot back towards the wall, on his feet again and panting, as he faced the Shredder.

Shredder was standing placidly on the other side of the room, seeming unruffled by what had just taken place. Raph hadn’t even managed to make him break a sweat; the sheer speed he’d taken Raph down with was boggling.

Raph had been training for months, ever since his family’s very first personal encounter with the man before him. And since the mind worm incident, he’d become even more paranoid of how often he trained.

Apparently, none of that had been enough. The power gap between him and the Shredder was still an enormous canyon.

The thought made Raph’s vision tint red, but he steadied himself.

The Shredder wasn’t even looking at him anymore, seemingly more concerned with the broken tea set.

“I liked that set, Raphael. It was a gift from my daughter when she was a child,” He said, in a disappointed tone of all things. He stepped around the broken shards of the tea pot, and retrieved his helmet from the floor.

Raph tensed up, ready for the next round.

He could do it. He _would_ do it. He wasn’t going to back down and just roll over for- for this _monster-_

He noted vaguely that the Shredder was wearing civilian clothes. Actual civilian clothes, instead of armor.

It threw Raph for a moment.

Shredder dusted off his helmet, and tucked the thing under his arm. He turned his gaze back onto Raph, and Raph tensed up again. He spoke again, in that condescending disappointed tone. “I had hoped we could be civil about this, Raphael, but apparently we cannot. You disappoint me.”

“ _Fuck you,”_ Raph hissed.

Shredder narrowed his eyes at Raph, and tilted his head slowly. “You would be wise to mind your tone, seeing as you are _my_ guest now.”

“Don’t fucking kid yourself. I’m your fucking prisoner, and this ain’t exactly a five star vacation,” Raph shot back.

“We will have to see about changing that attitude of yours,” Shredder said, eyeing Raph. “You lack proper etiquette, and I suppose that’s just one more thing your rat of a father failed to teach you.”

Raph’s rage twisted, taking insult at the jab towards his father. “My dad raised me _fine_. Better than you ever did with that psycho daughter of yours.”

Wrong move, wrong taunt to pick.

Suddenly, the Shredder was right in front of Raph, and before he could defend, the human’s hands were restraining his arms and pressing on his neck.

Raph froze, resisting the need to wheeze.

“You. will _not_. insult Karai.” Shredder said with a growl. Up close, the murkiness of his eyes bored into Raph’s clear green ones, and the harsh scars covering his face glared painfully. “She is my finest warrior, and I will not let you disrespect her. Do you understand?”

Raph thought he felt a cold blade press into his side.

“I said, _do you understand?”_

Raph sneered, choosing life over petty resistance for the moment. Though, he still curled his lips and bared his teeth at his captor. “ _…yes.”_

The blade pressed against his weak spots vanished, and Shredder backed away; storing the knife inside his overcoat. Raph rubbed his smarting throat, glaring hard at the human.

The Shredder seemed done with him, walking away and picking up the helmet he’d dropped again to attack Raph. Turning back to Raph, Shredder faced him with a blank and severe expression.

“You should remember that from now on, until _I say so-_ ” He gestured around the room. “-you won’t set foot outside of here. Not until I see you’ve earned it.”

Raph stood slowly, trying to portray as much defiance as he could. “Whatever. Just kill me and get it over with, I’d rather be dead than listen to _your_ stupid voice all day.”

The Shredder surprised Raph by laughing, voice raspy and rough. “Raphael, if I wanted you dead, you would _be_ dead. I however, do not want you to be dead.”

“Then what _do_ you want from? Because lemme tell you, I’m really fucking _sick_ of this smoke and mirrors shit,” Raph ground out, searching rapidly for an opening in his enemy’s stance. Nothing popped out, but the Shredder was still talking, still seeming relaxed, so as long as he got an opening-

“It’s very simple really,” The Shredder replied seriously. “I want you to join my clan, of your own free will.”

Raph’s search for an opening paused, and he took a moment to fill with sick dread.

“I’d never do that,” Raph managed to say, something clenching around his throat and constricting it. “I would _never_ do that.”

The Shredder examined him evenly. “You may have a change in attitude, seeing as we will be spending a lot of time together in the near future.”

Raph’s eyes went wide, furious hate pushing up in him and filling his mouth with iron. “I. would _never.”_

The Shredder only looked at him, unbothered by the viciousness of Raph’s tone. After a long, drawn out moment, he _turned his_ _back_ _on Raph_ \- and walked towards the door. A rap on the metal, and it opened outwards for the Shredder to step through.

Raph stared at the man. Unthinkable, you _never_ turned your back on an enemy, not unless they were so utterly weak they weren’t even worth _considering_ -

A rage fueled yell burst out of Raph, and he threw himself across the room.

The door slammed shut before he got close.

Raph’s fists thudded against the unyielding metal, and his yell turned into a hateful scream.

His knuckles split as he pounded uselessly on the door, his maelstrom of hate and rage and _fury_ pushing him to keep going.

When he finally backed off from the door, his hands were throbbing and his breaths coming short and fast.

He turned on the already overturned furniture.

Scoring the walls as he did, he broke the chairs and the table one after another. Wood splintering under his hands and metal breaking apart as he smashed them against the wall. The plaster of the walls fell away to reveal sheer metal surface, not a dent left in it from Raph’s attacks, and Raph howled.

He tore apart the bed, shredding the mattress with his bare hands. He pulled apart the springs, feeling cuts widen on his hands and bleed faster. The frame broke with a satisfying crack, and he broke it again and again into smaller pieces until he couldn’t anymore.

Raph kicked and screamed and raged inside his prison, until everything was in shambles.

Wood and fabric and metal, scattered around the room without aim or care. Raph just wanted everything to be broken, so he’d feel less- less- less _something_.

He ended up back in his corner, panting with heaving lungs and a sore throat.

Surrounding him was the devastation he’d wrought, and he found it made nothing feel better.

He could already feel his exhaustion breaking through his furious haze, the adrenaline dying down rapidly. Everything hurt, and he didn’t know how to fix that.

Raph stared at his hands, shaking and covered in his own blood.

His knuckles stung, and he had tens of tiny cuts from debree shards.

Raph clenched his fists, and hissed at the resulting pain.

Good. It would keep him awake and aware. The next time the Shredder set foot in this room, he’d be ready.

Raph picked up the biggest and sharpest metal shard, uncaring that the cameras he couldn’t find would see him, and crouched back into his corner.

With his makeshift weapon in hand, Raph settled in for another long, painful wait.

His brothers would be here soon. Probably his father too. The Shredder couldn’t keep him forever, not with his family looking for him.

They’d come for him, and Raph would be waiting; fully in control of his own mind, and still loyal to his family.

_Join the Foot clan-_ yeah right.

Shredder could take his bullshit and eat it.

Raph knew where his loyalties lay, and it sure and hell wasn’t with the man that had caused this whole mess.

Raph clenched his hand around the metal shard, the wicked edge longer than his fingers.

If he got the chance, he’d take the Shredder out once and for all. This was too far, him imprisoned, and with… with Mikey…

For Mikey. Raph would do it for Mikey. It had to fix at least some of what he’d done. Right?

The cold metal in his hand bit into his palm, and Raph focused on staying awake this time.

He tried to not think of what would be waiting for him, once he got out of his prison.

He only partially succeeded.

 

 

 

 

Saki watched the monitors, examining his captive.

The turtle was hunched around himself, back in the corner where he’d been the first time Saki had entered. He was already looking unsteady, wavering from his extended tantrum, and honestly- they’d only spoken for a few minutes, and the mutant had run out of stamina shortly after. Shameful, they’d have to work on that once Raphael came over to his side of things.

“Master Shredder?”

Saki turned his eyes onto the awaiting Foot ninja beside him; one of his elites.

“How shall we proceed?” She asked, careful and calculating. She always sounded like that behind her mask, true to her nature as a ninja.

“Let him stew in his own thoughts for a few hours,” Saki replied, turning back to the computer screens. “Then gas him again and repair the room. Exactly the same as last time.”

“Yes master Shredder. I’ll alert the others.”

Saki didn’t acknowledge her disappearance, trusting that she’d carry out his orders to the rest of the currently monitoring team.

He instead stared at the multiple screens before him, showing all angles of the specialized room he’d had crafted for his new charge.

Raphael was still sulking in his corner, clutching a shoddy weapon close to himself.

Saki smiled.

He’d gotten reports that his enemies were already looking for their missing mutant. That meant that it was time to them disappear.

Saki turned away from the screens of the monitoring room, striding out into the halls of his base. He passed many of his employed ninja, all of them saluting and standing at attention as he went by.

There was an uneasy buzz to the air, his sentient ninjas obviously on edge at having a turtle in the heart of their base. The mechanical ones however, showed no such signs of unease.

Saki, beneath the mask of his helmet, smiled at the tension.

He had Raphael, and Yoshi was running blind as he scrambled to find his missing son.

Nothing could have made him happier, in that moment.

Soon, Raphael would come around. Saki just had to be patient, and draw him in.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not dead, just really slow. sorry. = _ =


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D

 

 

Raph blinked slowly, staring at the wall across from him.

The silence around him was so deafening, he could hear his heart thudding in his ears. _Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud-_

His stomach twisted again, and he nearly blanked from the pain.

Raph could barely think. Everything had tunneled around his empty insides, and how they kept pulling and twinging and _hurting_.

The faucet’s ambient water sounds were the only other noise, besides his heart and harsh breathing.

Raph’s vision blurred again, making everything fuzzy and featureless.

He twisted on the bed, curling around his empty stomach and retching nothing but burning spit.

He was so hungry.

So, so hungry.

He hadn’t had anything but water in days.

He thought it was days.

It felt like days.

Though, as his body steadily shut down, it started to feel like years.

Raph’s head buzzed with static and pain and _hunger-_

-and he felt like the world was sliding sideways, taking him and all his dully throbbing limbs with it.

He hurt. His arms and legs and even his _teeth_ hurt. The deeper the hole in his stomach became, the more it felt like his body was trying to crawl down that hole with it.

Raph thought- in his hazy, desperation ridden mind- that death would have been less painful.

 

 

 

The first time he’d woken up again, the second time after he’d met the Shredder, the room had been restored. Again.

Raph had torn into it. Again.

Blindly furious. Again.

They were drugging him. They had to be. That was the only way he could have kept falling asleep.

He couldn’t stuff the vents in the ceiling. Too far to reach without help, and when he’d gotten on top of the table, they turned out to be welded in place.

He’d tried to be satisfied with methodically tearing the room apart, bit by bit.

It just made him tired. And hungry.

He drank some water, and tried to stave off the growing hunger in his stomach. The sugarless, protein-less, everything-less liquid only turned his stomach.

Raph slumped against the wall where his bed had been, exhausted and in pain. His hands were cut open again, since he’d torn off all the bandages that’d been put there while he was unconscious.

He felt violated. That someone had been touching him while he slept, and he hadn’t even been able to _try_ to defend himself.

Raph felt disturbed. And like an idiot.

Even if he couldn’t resist whatever drugs they were getting him with- _gas, likely speaking_ , a Donnie like voice supplied _-_ Raph still felt like he should try harder. Somehow.

 _Focus your mind,_ an obnoxious voice also said. It sounded like Leo.

 _Just chill for a bit, everything’ll work itself out,_ a Mikey voice said.

Raph squashed the last voice, and stopped thinking about his brothers and his stomach.

He was on edge the whole time he was awake, waiting for someone to try and enter his room again. The more sensible part of him said that no one would while he was conscious, but…

He couldn’t exactly rest easy, either.

 

 

 

 

He woke up, an undeterminable time later, and found the room restored once again. He was lying in the large, comfortable bed, and it felt like a physical reaction- the sheer _anger_ he felt about that.

He took the room apart a- third time? Maybe? He was already losing count. That wasn’t good.

Raph didn’t feel better afterwards, even with splinters and fabric and drywall spread over the floor. He felt tired, and hungry.

He didn’t know how long he’d been gone, but it’d definitely been longer than a few hours. His cuts were nearly healed, even though he kept tearing at the ones on his hands, and he was… so hungry.

He drank more water, and left the tap running. To add another sound, besides the steady inhales and exhales from himself.

Raph felt like his boredom, ironically, was almost worse than the hunger. There wasn’t anything to do other than methodically destroy bits of his room.

It was slower than the last time. His hands were shaking despite his best efforts.

Raph’s vision edged black even without the sleeping drugs, as he headed towards unconsciousness again. There wasn’t anything to do, and he’d spent all his energy with destroying his room.

His apprehension about someone entering his room was waning, despite his best attempts to remain aware. It’d been… hours, definitely hours, since he saw anyone.

The last person he’d spoken to was the Shredder.

That thought made Raph’s stomach turn even worse than the hunger.

He settled back into the destruction he’d made of his room- that’s what he was best at, destroying- and waited for unconsciousness again.

He prayed that his brothers would get here soon. His father too.

They’d come for him. He knew they would.

Even if… even if he’d hurt Mikey. They’d come for him.

They were family. They wouldn’t leave him here.

They wouldn’t.

They just wouldn’t.

 

 

 

Raph woke again, and started pacing.

His stomach churned. There wasn’t anything left in his body except bile and water.

He couldn’t sit still though. He’d go insane if he just sat there and waited.

He drank water, and forced his body to keep it down. It worked half the time. The other half he spent over the toilet, trying to vomit sickness that he didn’t have inside him.

 _After a point, your body stops accepting things properly, and starts to go haywire_ \- Donnie’s words from years back, when they’d all been talking theoretically about starvation. It hadn’t been a serious conversation, just four kids tossing around ideas because they’d seen a survivor movie.

The idea of surviving on your own that long, with only water and mental willpower- it’d seemed a lot easier back then.

Now, Raph struggled to keep the burning bile down, and paced restlessly.

He barely had enough energy to fully destroy his room again. He didn’t even have enough to damage the walls properly. He only had enough for just breaking the table, the bed, and cracking the plaster a little.

He’d been panting just after breaking the chairs and bed. Like he’d been running full tilt for hours, instead of angrily wrecking pieces of furniture for mere minutes.

He pushed himself to wreck the room though, if only to spite his captors.

He didn’t think they even needed to drug him- if they were at all anymore- because he collapsed against the wall shortly after. Spent despite what he considered were light activities.

He felt dizzy and nauseous, and felt like his stomach was turning itself over.

Raph was so hungry. He was starving.

He passed out after that grim thought.

 

 

 

His family hadn’t come for him. It’d been days- it _had_ to have been- and they hadn’t come for him.

No, no they were probably searching still. The Shredder wasn’t the leader of an international criminal empire for nothing; he’d probably hidden Raph and his base so well it was just… taking a while to find him.

Raph stared at the walls of his prison, and felt like he was slipping down a very steep slope.

He was hungry, so painfully hungry.

The water wasn’t helping anymore. It just made him feel sicker.

The running water from the tap had become monotonous. White noise. It wasn’t helping him at all anymore.

He’d tried to get up and break his room again, earlier, but he hadn’t even been able to destroy more than the table and chairs.

He lay on the floor- _he refused to use the bed_ \- and felt like he was dying.

He was though. He was starving, no way around that fact.

He couldn’t remember how long a human could go without food. He couldn’t remember how long a mutant turtle could theoretically go without food. Donnie had told him once. He’d told all of them, during one of his just-in-case kicks of planning.

Mikey had said he’d eat his own foot, like Zeff in One Piece had. That way he wouldn’t starve at all.

Raph’s thoughts slid further down the steep slope. Headed for a cliff.

_Mikey._

Oh god.

He couldn’t deal with that still. The scene in his head, even though it would play on repeat, he couldn’t comprehend it properly. Even as time kept dragging on, nothing but his breathing and the water and his thoughts-

He couldn’t deal with it.

Raph’s mind drifted other directions, and prayed harder for his family to find him.

He was… so hungry…

 

 

 

Raph had thought being trapped in his own home had been hell.

He’d been wrong. He’d been so, so very wrong.

This was what hell was. Dull walls, isolation, starvation…

He didn’t even have energy to get out of the bed anymore, waking up in it for the…

He couldn’t even remember anymore. He had no way to tell how long it’d been since he’d been caught.

Everything was the same. The water, his breathing, the thoughts running through his mind-

Raph was in hell, slowly dying.

He could feel himself shutting down. No food, barely any water. He didn’t have enough energy to drink much more than a few gulps every once in a long while.

He tried to get out of the bed for more water, and black immediately spread across his vision. He fell hard on the carpeted floor, and lost his breath.

He struggled to stand, and made it to the sink. He leaned heavily on it, breathing raggedly.

He looked in the mirror, and saw a half dead mutant with shadowed eyes.

Bile rose into his throat, and Raph retched despite the nothingness in his stomach.

 

 

 

The blood splattered across the kitchen floor, Mikey’s screaming, the rest of their family crowding around him, yelling, demanding, accusing-

Raph couldn’t remember things correctly anymore. The scene got worse in his head every time it played over.

Deliriously, Raph wondered if that was why his family hadn’t come for him yet. Were they mad at him? He wouldn’t blame them; he hated himself as it was, for what he’d done.

Still though. Still.

Where were they?

And where was the Shredder? Why hadn’t he… tried something yet?

Anything. Raph needed something to happen. Anything to break the endless, stretching monotony he’d slipped into.

Wake. Drink. Sleep. Wake. Drink. Sleep. Wake. Drink. Sleep-

Raph wanted to throw up.

Sometimes he did.

Sometimes he couldn’t make it to the toilet to do so.

Everything tilted on its axis when he stood up, and Raph stopped trying to.

He lay down on the bed, and stayed there.

 

 

 

“You are dying, turtle.”

Raph opened his hazy eyes, dragging himself back to awareness to look at the source of voice.

The Shredder sat at the table. Helmetless, again.

He looked at Raph evenly, his milky grey eye near white under the light of Raph’s prison.

“You are dying,” He said again, gesturing to Raph. “I offer you food to prevent that. All that I ask for in exchange… is that you have a conversation with me.”

Raph looked at the table. A bowl of rice and a plate of dried fish were laid out.

Raph’s stomach churned, and he inhaled sharply.

_Food._

“Come. Sit.” The Shredder said, gesturing to the twin chair across from him. “You may eat your fill if you speak with me.”

Raph’s body moved on its own accord- pushing him into a sitting position before he knew it. He stared at the food, and his mouth filled with saliva.

Raph licked his lips- and then caught a hold of himself.

No.

No he _would not_ let this man get in his head. Not like this. Not at _all._

No way that food was safe. No way it wouldn’t be packed with who knew what sorts of chemicals. The moment Raph ingested that food-

Anything could happen.

Maybe not death, but maybe something _worse._

“Go… to _hell,”_ Raph spat. He drew himself up and summoned his remaining strength. He was starving, but that didn’t mean he was going to roll over for this psycho.

“I am disappointed in you, Raphael.”

Raph tried not to think of his own father saying those words, just days ago.

“I was hoping… your time to yourself would have changed your opinion.”

“My family is coming for me,” Raph said in a low tone. His voice sounded gravelly to his ears, and he realized he hadn’t spoken in a long, long while. “They’re coming for me. I don’t _need_ your food.”

The Shredder gave him a measured look. “Your ‘family’ hasn’t been seen in days.”

Raph’s heart stuttered.

The Shredder continued. “My sentries have given no word of your family’s activities at all. It’s as though they’ve all… vanished.”

 _He’s lying, they’re just hiding so they don’t also get caught, they’re keeping safe while they work to rescue me,_ Raph thought rapidly.

_They wouldn’t leave me._

“You’re lying,” He said, forcing himself to remain steady. “You’re _lying.”_

The Shredder tilted his head, milky eye pure white at that angle. “How do you know for sure?”

Raph snarled, wordlessly.

“Take my offer, Raphael. Your resistance will lead you nowhere.”

“Shut _up._ I’m not talking to you. I’m not taking your food. Get out of my room, and get _out of my sight,”_ Raph hissed viciously.

He was panting already. No energy for a real fight, just words. Angry, hateful words.

He wanted to though. He wanted to _so badly-_ to grab the Shredder, to have his sais in his hands again, and to _drive them right through the Shredder’s neck._

It was all his fault. _All his fault._

Raph- deliriously- wasn’t entirely sure who that sentiment was aimed at.

He glared at the Shredder, waiting for the man’s reaction.

Raph didn’t have enough energy to fight, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t defend himself if the Shredder attacked. He was past caring.

Either he died now, or he held out for his family.

_They were coming for him. They had to be._

He wouldn’t accept a single hand out from this monster. He wouldn’t.

“…that’s disappointing to hear, Raphael,” Shredder said eventually, still looking at Raph with his milky eye. “You won’t be able to hold out much longer, and no one is coming for you. Waiting will only prolong your suffering.”

“ _Shut. Up.”_ Raph hissed again.

“You remind me of myself,” Shredder said suddenly, throwing Raph’s train of thought. “As a young man, I suppose I wouldn’t have accepted a hand out from my enemies either. Though I am disappointed you refuse to speak with me, your stubbornness is… admirable.”

Bile rose into Raph’s throat, and he suppressed the need to retch.

“I’m _nothing_ like you,” Raph said in a low, furious tone. Anger, nothing but anger and hunger was in him. Desperate anger and hunger.

 _They were coming for him. They had to be. They wouldn’t_ leave him-

“That stands to be proven otherwise,” Shredder replied evenly. Unruffled by Raph’s fury.

He got up without another word, and picked up the tray of food as he did.

Raph stayed still- hands shaking with raw, blinding anger- as the man approached the door, and knocked once. It opened inwards for him, and the Shredder stepped outside of Raph’s prison.

The door swung shut, and then it was only Raph’s harsh breathing.

He listened to his heart pound for another moment, and then-

He started screaming.

 

 

 

Raph couldn’t tell how long he screamed.

He couldn’t tell how long anything was, anymore. It was all just endless _sameness._

He’d thought being trapped at home was hell, but he’d been an idiot. A spoiled _idiot._

He’d been safe in his home. He’d had his brothers and everything he could have wanted for.

Except true freedom, but what did that matter anymore?

He’d been safe, and loved, and there wasn’t any reason for him to have snapped.

He hurt Mikey, and he’d hurt him _badly._ Irreparably, permanently. Raph had done something that wasn’t forgivable.

Raph beat the walls of his prison, leaving imprints of his split knuckles. He screamed until his throat burned and then he screamed _more._

It didn’t do anything. It didn’t change anything. It just made his walls look like something out of a horror movie, and his throat sore.

Raph’s furious energy burst died too soon for his liking, and he passed out.

 

 

 

Raph lay on the floor of his room, by the wall furthest from his bed.

He didn’t even know how many times he’d woken up or fallen asleep. He didn’t know anything anymore.

The walls were spinning, and he felt his body trying to cave in on itself.

Everything in his body screamed for food, and everything in his mind screamed for his family.

He was sorry.

He was so, so sorry.

They wouldn’t leave him, right? Even with what he’d done, there was no way…

But the Shredder had said…

Raph forced that insidious thought away, and refused to let it try growing again.

Lies. It was all lies. Just head games to get at him. It didn’t matter what the Shredder said or claimed or told him- it would all be lies.

Raph’s thoughts turned in circles, swirling and drifting in random directions.

He thought about the last things he’d said to his brothers, to his father, before all this.

He’d- he’d snapped at Leo, coming out of their rooms early in the evening. For no reason at all. And then at Donnie too, because his genius brother had bumped into Raph while he had his nose buried in his notebook. And his father, he hadn’t even acknowledged his father as he stalked through their home-

And Mikey.

Fuck.

He-

He’d hurt Mikey so badly. He hadn’t even apologized before he ran, leaving his brother on the floor of their kitchen, bleeding, hurting, screaming…

Raph was sorry. God he was so sorry.

He didn’t even need their forgiveness anymore. He just wanted to go home. Please, just find him and take him home…

 

 

 

Raph woke and slept and agonized. Every second felt like dragging hell. Time was warped and so was his mind.

He couldn’t focus on anything anymore. He couldn’t get up for water, couldn’t get back into his bed, couldn’t… couldn’t do anything.

Where was his family? Why hadn’t they come for him?

He wouldn’t leave his brothers. Not with the Shredder, not with anyone. He wouldn’t ever do that to them.

But then, they hadn’t done what he had, had they?

Tears he couldn’t afford to spare, trailed out of Raph’s eye corners, and soaked into his mask.

He just wanted to go home. He just wanted to take his brother’s hand, and beg for forgiveness.

He was sorry. So, so sorry…

 

 

 

No one came for him.

Time kept marching on, and Raph felt himself dying.

He stewed in regret, and shame, and fear.

_What if they weren’t coming?_

 

 

 

An endless time later, Raph opened his eyes back in his bed.

He didn’t even have to turn his head, to know that another person was in the room.

“Raphael.”

Raph turned his head listlessly, and stared at his captor.

The Shredder stared back. Helmetless and unafraid. He gestured to the single bowl of rice on the table. “Eat. You are near death, and I have nothing to gain from that. Eat, and keep living. I ask only that you speak with me.”

Raph blinked sluggishly.

Eat and live. Eat and live. Eat and live.

Live long enough for his family to find him.

Live to fight, live to see them again.

Live to apologize.

Raph made his choice.

Slowly, with creaking arms and legs, he got out of his bed. He stumbled only for a moment, but he stood with a straight back despite his body’s pain.

He looked down at the seated man, and hid every bit of fear he’d been feeling.

Fine then. He’d play Shredder’s game, but he wouldn’t lose.

Raph would live, and he’d live to get what he wanted.

His family. His revenge.

Raph wanted both, and he’d get both.

He pulled the chair away from the table, and sat slowly in it.

The bowl of rice, and the chopsticks beside it, sat temptingly on the table top.

 _Don’t trust it,_ Leo’s voice whispered in his head; accompanied by Donnie’s saying he should be wary of drugs, of poisonous compounds hidden in the white grains.

Raph’s shaking fingers grasped the chopsticks, and he picked them up slowly.

He aimed them towards the bowl, but the bowl was moved back from him. He glanced up, and met the Shredder’s eyes.

“We talk, and you eat,” The man said, leaving no room for any other choices.

Raph swallowed his visceral hate, and let out a slow breath.

“Fine. We talk, you give me my food,” Raph grit out. He felt dirty for saying it, like he was giving in, even though he’d sworn to win the game they were playing. “I agree… to talk with you.”

The Shredder pushed the tray back towards Raph, and settled back in his chair. “That’s all I asked of you. You may eat.”

Raph swallowed thickly, and his hands hovered around the bowl of food for only a split second. It’d been so long, the rice seemed unreal.

His stomach twisted violently, and he didn’t hesitate anymore.

Raph clumsily scooped a bite of the rice with his chopsticks, and shoved it into his mouth. The usually bland flavor tasted like heaven on earth, the first taste other than water or his own saliva in forever.

He took a deep breath, steadied himself, and swallowed.

“Well?” The Shredder said, watching Raph with keen eyes. “Shall we begin our conversation?”

Raph took another shaking bite, chewed, and swallowed.

“…fine. Let’s talk.”

He swore he saw the Shredder smile, and Raph’s stomach turned for a different reason than before.

“Yes,” The Shredder said. “Let’s talk.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D:D:D

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you thought in the comments below.


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